Nothing Good Ever Came From Feelings

It's been a really long week that has forced me to feel more emotions then I ever really care to feel.

I hate feeling, it is why I became a drug addict at 14 and why I stayed a drug addict for more than 10 years. I try to avoid the whole feeling thing whenever possible.  I don't do drugs anymore to avoid feelings, now I just stuff them deep down inside and try to ignore them as much as I possibly can.

I don't do emotions very well, they seem to consume and over power me. They invade me, taking over all normal rational thought.  Emotions also tend to hurt, man do they hurt usually and I cannot be alone in the whole, I really don't like to hurt thing.  It is better for me to just try and not feel any emotions.... there is just one problem...

I don't want to feel, but I do, I feel everything it seems and then I fall victim to my emotions and I become this mess of feelings and tears and nerves and my thoughts get ugly and distorted and I can't get away from the feelings and I just want to hide until the emotions can be drowned somehow, hence why I try not to feel.

It sucks to hate feeling... it makes getting through everyday life really difficult some times.  Trying not to feel because feelings suck and having a life that creates feelings, because, well, I am freaking human, it all creates this constant battle in my head and my heart.  It is exhausting to not feel, it exhausting to feel. Emotions, felt or avoided just drain life out of me it seems.  Maybe I am broken, maybe I don't feel right, maybe I don't process emotions like a normal person would and that is why I try to avoid feeling at all costs.

It's a week like this that I remember why for years I choose drugs over feeling, why I ran from life instead of feeling, why I shut my heart off to people.  I have tried so hard this week to not let emotions control me, to not feel the overwhelming emotions that the events of the week have been trying to shove down my throat.  I have tried using my avoidance tactics, I have tried to deny that I have had feelings at all this week, that I have been emotional at all this week... and I have failed.  I am a bumbling, sobbing mess of tears and snot right now, as I write this, feeling everything, being invaded by all the emotions that I don't want to feel, I am crumbling under the weight of emotions I would rather be denying, that I have been denying.

I hate feeling, I hate having feelings, and I hate dealing with feelings. Nothing good ever came from feelings. I hate emotions and the roller coaster that I always seem to be on whey I let emotions in.

I am so very tired, feeling often does that to me, weakens me to my core.  I am going to shove all these emotions I have back into the depths of myself, out of the way, where I can't feel them for now, because I am tired and I am done feeling.  I hate feeling and I don't want to do it anymore right now.

Stuck

I feel like I am in a very stuck place. 

It's not like "quick sand stuck" because I don't feel like I am sinking while stuck, just stuck... like stepped in tar or concrete stuck. 

I am not moving, I am not growing, and I am not progressing.  Nothing in my life is changing or evolving... I am stuck.  

I am a person who thrives on change, who loves growth and progress and this feeling of stuck is paralyzing for me.  I don't feel like I know how to get unstuck either.  I don't know what has me stuck, so I don't even know where to start.  My whole life seems to be the glue that is holding me in this place, this, stuck in mud up to my neck place.  I can't just quit my life to get unstuck though.  

I need things to change, I need my world to start spinning differently.  I need this concrete jackhammered away.  I need a tow truck to pull me out.  Something... I don't want to be stuck.

30 Days of Thankful - Day 18

I know you are asking your self where are days 5-17... I have them, in my head, and for now that is where they will stay... life, and some darkness got in the way and I was not able to write like I wanted to... it happens and I just need to move on and start from where I can...

November 18 2014: Day 18

Today I am thankful for my Best Friend.  It’s been some 16 years now since she entered my life and I don’t know how I managed through life before her.

Boobs (I promise, she is cool with the code name!) is the kind of person people are drawn too.  She just has this presents about her that makes her welcoming and safe.  Her beauty is not just skin deep.  She is a beautiful person inside and out and it radiates from her.  She is the person who is always there for the people she cares about, regardless of what she has going on in her own life.  She truly is “that” friend, you know… “That” friend who always has time for you, who always attends your events, invites you to coffee, sends you Christmas cards, will watch your kids in a pinch, will help you move, whatever you need… and never expects anything in return.

I love her more than I had ever thought possible for a friendship.  She is actually more a sister to me than a friend at this point.  There have been years when I have been estranged from my own family, that she was all the family I had.  She has loved and cared form my kids like they were her own and she has built a friendship with my husband that is theirs separate from me.  The running joke actually is that I married the male version of her.  Boobs and The Hubby truly are very much alike, having similar opinions and views on life.  It is kind of crazy to have a best friend and a husband who have at times essentially shared the same brain… but that is for a different post!!

Life is always a little better when your best friend is also your favorite drinking buddy, shopping friend, concert companion, coffee date, work-out partner and therapist.  She is My Person!

Having her at my side all these years has made me a stronger person.  She has held me up when I have not been able to hold myself up.  She has prayed with me when I have lost my faith.  She has wiped tears from my eyes when my heart break has consume me, and she has held my hand to remind me I am not alone.  She has always been there, no matter what, never being anything but the best friend possible.  She has supported me during ever moment of our friendship, even when her own life has presented struggles and difficulties.

She wears her strength in the form of a smile.  She weathers storms some times in silence, determined to figure it out on her own.  I am often in awe of how she manages to keep it all together, if only in appearance, when I know the struggles she is facing.  I know that behind close doors, when she is alone, she breaks down, she feels the feelings she tries to keep at bay.  She is a warrior, a fighter, a battle scared soul who is determined to make her life what she wants it to be, to raise children she is proud of and to live a life that she is proud of and through it all, she remains the friend that is always there... for any of her friends who needs her.

I am so blessed and thankful to have such a remarkable person in my life, as my person.  I am better because of her and with her and my love for her is limitless.  At the end of my journey, when my story is told, she will be the person to tell it, having known every secret, every story, every moment, because we are after all just two fish bowls swimming in a fish bowl (don’t worry, I know the actual lyrics… boobs get’s it!).

30 Days of Thankful - Day Four

There will come a day when I am totally current on this... my goal is by the end of the weekend... wish me luck!!

November 4 2014 : Day 4

Today I am thankful for sleepovers!!  Let me explain…

When we moved from Colorado to Texas we left behind all of the friends the kids had ever known.  Since our move to Texas we have moved several times – each time the kids have had to change schools.  This has not helped the kids develop close friendships.  This is a heartbreaking fact for me.  I moved a lot as a kid and I know how hard it is to go through childhood without close friends.

We've been in our current house for a year and a half and the kids have made some really good friends.  They are attending birthday parties and going to friend’s house after school.  They are going to the park with friends and sharing moments.  They are finally getting a change to build new friendships.

So… The other day T-Dog (my darling 9 year old daughter) came home and said her friend wanted her to have a sleepover… although not her first sleepover, it was the first non-birthday related sleep over invite.  This was a big deal in her world and I am so thankful for it.

For T-Dog to finally be making close friendships and for those friend to want her to come hangout at their house… it’s special.

Sleepovers are bonding moments for girls.  A time to share secrets and play make believe and create those memories that last forever.

T-Dog has been so excited since I said she could go… her sleepover is not even until Friday night and yet she has already packed her bag and gotten all prepared to go.  A sleepover has ignited a spark in my already sparkling child… she is shining brighter than ever and for this I find it hard not to be thankful for sleepovers!!

30 Days of Thankful - Day Three

Really, I am not this much of a slacker... there have been forces working against me the last few days, but don't fret, I will be all caught up before you know it!!

November 3rd, 2014: Day 3

Today I am thankful for my mom!!

I have not always known how to be thankful for her.

Our relationship has never really been easy, even as a child there was a struggle present between the two of us.

I spent a lot of my time being resentful and hurtful towards my mom.  I spent years blaming her for every little thing wrong with my life, for every bad decision I made, every bump in the road.  Blaming my mom was easier than owning my own crap.  My anger toward her was so misguided, but I refused to see that, or understand that.

My mom and I spent 6 years not speaking to one another. I know my mom had her reasons and I had mine, for the silence... but that was a very difficult time in my life.  It was during this time that I learned how twisted my feelings toward my mom were.  How wrong I was to blame her for things she had no part of, of had no control over.  I grew up a lot in those 6 years we had no contact.  I learned things about myself, about parenting, about relationships and forgiveness.

My mom and I made peace several years back and having her in my life once again has been such a blessing.  We will never have a perfect relationship, it is just not in our stars... but we have a relationship, and I get now how lucky I am for that.

I am thankful we have managed to find a way to be in each other’s lives, to find mutual respect and genuine love for one another.

My mom is an amazing person to me.  I am in awe of what she has done, what she has overcome.  I look to her now for inspiration, for motivation and even guidance.   We are polar opposites in so many ways and yet so much alike in others.

I am thankful that I have this second change to know my mom, with all the complications and history that comes with her.  Our second chance is not lost on me.  I am so thankful I have her to wade through this part of my life with her as a guide and a supporter.  I missed her so much when we were estranged, it was heartbreaking to feel like I didn't have a mother.  So yes, today I am thankful for my mom!!

30 Days of Thankful - Day Two

November 2nd, 2014 : Day Two

Today I find myself immensely thankful for the patience I have been instilled with.
The world around me seems to be in a seemingly constant state of "Hurry-Up".  There is a chaotic feel about life.  As a mother and wife I feel like I spend most of my time waiting on someone or something.  If I lacked patience (and admittedly some days I do) this state of "waiting" would be enough to drive me mad.
 
Like most people, I enjoy instant gratification, I want what I want, when I want it... but my life does not always allow this... again, I must play the waiting game.  Again, My patience plays a role in keeping me sane (relatively speaking) as life works it's self out.

There are days, moments really when chaos is at it's peak and I forget I have patience and I try to speed the world up... it never ends well, when I rush, when I push and shove and go against my patient nature.  there is usually screaming and yelling and lots of tears.  I don't feel like myself.  I don't feel as though I have any control and I want to hide from the world.  My patience keeps me grounded, and calm.  I don't like to override my patience... I always come away feeling and  looking like a crazed bitch... not a good look on me.  Patience gets me through... through the really long days of school and work and girls scouts and leadership corp and cooking and cleaning and "mom I need this" and "mom I need that" and all the other craziness that is my day.  It get's me through my really rough days  when I have health issues and anxiety and loads of emotional turmoil and sadness.  It gets me through my fun days and normal days and all the in-between days.

I am thankful and grateful to have been blessed with patience... as a tool, as a weapon, as a life line, as the same, quiet, calm part of me!

Please feel free to share with me what you are Thankful for... leave a comment or a link in the comments where we can find your thoughts!

30 Days of Thankful... Today is Day One!

I know it is November 3rd and I am just now posting Day One... I am not perfect... I get delayed... it will all work out in the end, promise!!

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One of the many things I have learnt over the years is that taking some time to reflect and refocus is not only good for one’s soul, it is good for one’s heart and head as well.

A few years ago I began joining in on the 30 days of thankful I saw happening on Facebook.  It was a good way to share parts of me.  I also found it to be a helpful and rewarding way to gain new focus on what was and is truly important to me.

This year I have decided to bring 30 Days of Thankful to the Blog as a writing series.  This will allow me to expand my thoughts on the things I am thankful for and work on my writing all at the same time!!

So… without further ado…

November 1^st, 2014… Day One

Today I am simply thankful to be alive.

No, there have not been any life threatening scares to bring on this thankfulness… just the need to express that I am thankful to be here.

Life can become so overwhelming, so full of the everyday and tunnel vision can set in.  I start focusing on just getting to the next day, just wadding through the mess.  I forget how special life is, how fortunate I am to be alive… dealing with the chaos and insanity of it all.  Life is fleeting… We never know if today is going to be the last day here.  It is easy to look past the frailness of it all when we are just trying to survive.

For me, I need to step back and celebrate each day, embrace my life, with all of its flaws and sharp corners and hold close the thankfulness I feel… to simply be alive!

I would love to hear your 30 Days of thankful, leave a comment, or a link in the comments to where we can find your 30 Days of Thankful!

Day Five - 6 Places

Places are more than just desired vacations spots…

Some places have meaning, some have value and some are not physical places at all, but a place or moment in time or in thought.  Places can be anything you want them to be.  The list of places I have never been is much longer than the list of places I have been.  The list of places I want to visit is much longer than the list of the places I’ll never go.

6 Places

1.       The front yard of Boobs old house.  This was our spot… this is where our whole group of friends gathered around the table, eating and drinking and laughing and being family.  The yard was always full with the kids running around and friends of all kinds shadowed by a 100 year old oak tree that housed a family of owls.  It is where we sat and shared our lives, where we watched our kids grow up, our husbands grow-up (and occasionally fall down) and where we could just be.  I sure do miss that yard.

2.       The walking path along the Boulder Creed in my home town of Boulder Colorado.  This is a path that stretches east to west through most of Boulder… and I’ve walked the whole thing (more than once) although admittedly not at the same time.  It will take you up the canyon to places like Eben G Fine Park and east past the High School and The Harvest House (I wonder if that is still the name of that place).  It’s where I spent so much of my life, walking, riding bikes, hanging out on the creek… going to the library or to the mall.  I kissed boys on this path and I got drunk on this path, I met strangers that became friends on this path.  I found nature in the middle of a city (well a city in Colorado terms) on this path.  If you’re ever in Boulder, you should go for a walk along the path.

3.       Rocky Mountain National Park (RMNP).  This place of majestic national park has always been within a 45 minute drive from me until we moved to Texas.  It is a magical place, full of amazing beauty.  Driving up Trail Ridge Road (the highest continuous paved road in the US), its winding turns and stunning views.  Snow walls reaching 22 feet some times (I have pictures).  Elk, Moose, Longhorn Sheep, Beavers, and Foxes… animals living as God intended.  Fall River Road, a crazy winding dirt road taking you up the back side of the mountain.  It was an annual field trip when I was in school, an annual camping spot with my family.  It was the first place “away from home” that I took all 3 of my children (they were all less than 6 months the first time we took them to the park).  It’s the place my father-in-law asked us to scatter his ashes.  I miss this place, its beauty and it’s place in my life.

4.       My Mom’s House!  It’s just one of those place people like to be, especially me.  It is warm and cozy and inviting.  It’s the kind of place that people want to sit around and visit, the house kind of wraps it’s self around you like a warm blanket.  As a teenager I could not wait to get out of her house.  I did not appreciate the home my mom made for us. Now as an adult I look forward to spending time at her house, relaxing, visiting, just being in the comfort of the home she has made.

5.       Disney World… I know, I know, it’s the happiest place on earth, of course it is one of my favorite places.  It really is though, a very special place to me.  It was the first real vacation The Hubby and I took together.  It is where he proposed to me for the first time.  It is the first place I ate at a 5 star restaurant or saw Cirque du Soleil perform live.  It is the place my little family has created memories we will have forever.  There is an enchantment about Disney World that I love.  I cannot help but smile and relax while sitting in a giant tea-cup spinning round and round or while riding a boat as pirates sing to me.  I love Disney, I love Disney World… It’s my place.

6.       You know that crook in your arm where a baby’s head fits just right?  Yeah, that place.  It has been empty for years now and most of the time the emptiness is okay, but every so often I miss having a little round head to fill that place.  I miss the moments of peace rocking my babies, their heads resting perfectly in the crook of my arm, their whole lives in front of them.  Someday the place will be filled with the perfectness of my grandchildren, and until then my memories will just have to do.

Day Four - 7 Wants

I've been a little under the weather, so I fell behind a day... but hey, health over all else right!

Everyone has wants... the list is usually long.  Wants are desires, wants are dreams and aspirations.
My list of wants far exceeds the 7 I have chosen to share.  My wants are big and small alike and I think they say a lot about who I am and who I want to be.

7 Wants

1. I want to write novels.  I have so many stories in my head and all I've ever wanted to do is turn those stories into books people would enjoy.

2. I want to spend a year doing a Eat, Pray, Love thing through Europe.  I am fascinated with Europe, with the cultures and histories and food and architecture.  A year probably won't even be enough.

3. I want a quiet cabin in the woods where I can live off the land.  To have a few acres tucked away somewhere in the Montana wilderness is my idea of heaven.

4. I want to own a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, a Prada handbag and a piece of jewelry from Tiffany & Co.  because, well, every girl should have these items.

5. I want to eat at a Gordon Ramsey and a Guy Fieri restaurant.  These are my two favorite celebrity chefs.

6. I want to attend a presidential inauguration. It would not even matter if I voted for that president.  I just want to experience the pomp and circumstance of the ceremony.

7. I want to live a life that when I am gone, the people I left behind will be proud of the legacy that I left behind.  I want to ensure that the people I love will know I loved them and lived in a way to honor them and that I touched lives.


There are so many more things I want to add to this list... perhaps I will need to run this series on an annual bases just to get out all the things I want to share.

Day Three - 8 Fears

Fear is and one of those things I have battled with seemingly always.
Fear is crippling   and controlling.  Fear takes your power from you.

I wish I was fear free... maybe some day I will learn to minimize my fears or eliminate them, but until then...

8 Fears

1. I am seriously claustrophobic.  I fear small spaces, tight spaces and enclosed spaces.  I panic if I can't freely move my limbs.  You don't want to see me on an elevator, or stuck in a super small car and forget port-a-potty's.

2. Like other mothers I am sure, I have a real fear that my children will be harmed in some terrible way.  I don't keep them in a bubble, but my fears creep in when they are not near me.  The chance that something really bad would actually happen is slime I know but I fear that someone or something would hurt them, which would break me in a way I don't think I could recover from.

3. Flying Bugs reduce me to a crying, screaming two year old.  Flies, bumble bees and other small flying bugs I can tolerate (I wont cry), anything bigger than a fly and I crumble.  Grasshoppers, Tree Roaches, Large Mouths and Wasps will invoke tears and panic every time.

4.  I never thought I had a fear of death until one day while driving down the street my mortality seemed to smack me in the face.  Since then I find I truly fear dying.  What would my family do, who would take care of my children, would it hurt to die, where would I go.  Anxiety attacks usually ensue when I get caught up in this fear.

5. It is a completely irrational fear, but I am petrified of construction cranes.  Yes... Construction Cranes, and the taller they are, the more I really can't go ANYWHERE near them.  I do this thing where I try to determine my safe zone - how close I can  get to the crane without it actually falling on me.  I've had this fear since I was a young child.  I don't know where it comes from but it cripples me.  Getting to close to a crane always triggers an anxiety attack.

6. I worry a lot about the future, but I have an intense fear that I will go through life and accomplish nothing.  Yes, my children are miracle and something I will always be able to say I accomplished, and that should be enough... but it's not.  I fear I won't have accomplishments that help define me as anything more than a mom... and I need more.

7. I fear failure above almost anything else.  This is a deep deeded fear that has always been a part of me.  I would rather not do something than fail at it.  Failing is unacceptable, this was the cornerstone of my childhood and what has haunted me through my whole life.

8.  Birds... yep, I have a horrible fear of birds.  That is not to say I don't like birds... my favorite animal is a owl, I think birds are beautiful and enchanting... I just don't really care to actually be anywhere near them.  I won't get out of my car if there is more than one bird around.  I almost vomit if a flock starts flying around me.  If you ever see a grown woman running and screaming because birds are over head... that's me.

When I deal with these fears they are sometimes overwhelming and consume me.  Looking at this list, they don't feel so intimidating... that's got to count for something.

Day Two - 9 Loves

I have love for many things and even a few people.  The world is cold and brutal, love is what gives us warmth and security.

9 Loves

1.     J-Bird, The Boy and T-Dog, my incredible, beautiful perfectly flawed children who are my fuel and my passion. Loving them makes me whole.

2.     The Hubby - who I still find myself madly in love with even after almost 14 years of bliss!

3.     My Mom, Dad, Brothers and Sister - although our relationships have never been perfect, they are my family and my love for them fills my heart daily.

4.     The BFF Boobs! My Friend, My Sister, My Soul-mate. Life changes with the true love of a friend.

5.     Books - Yes - Books. I have had a deep and profound love for books since I was a young girl. I love the smell or books, the feel of books and all that books give us.

6.     A field full of Aspen Trees in the fall as there leave dance like gold coins in the wind. It's a place of m childhood, my teen-hood and my adulthood and it is where my soul can be calm.

7.     A dark room and a good playlist. It is like a reset button for my heart, mind, and soul.

8.     Owls!! I love owls! They make me smile any time I see one. They bring joy to my heart. They are my quan.

9.     Writing - I don't feel I am the writer I want to be yet, but I love putting words together to form thoughts that invoke emotion of some kind to someone, somewhere.

10 Day Challenge - Day One - 10 Secrets

From time to time I come across a topic or piece a fellow blogger has done that inspires me, or makes me want to do the same type of piece.
The 10 Day Challenge is one of those pieces. I followed Kelly at Debie Hive when she did her 10 Day Challenge back in March and I made a note to do my own 10 Day Challenge at some point...

I've had horrible writers block lately... completely unable to get any thought to translate to written word... so the 10 Day Challenge is really a perfect prompt to get words out right now.

This is the challenge:

It looks so simple, yet sharing so much about myself is not as easy as one would think.

That some point has come...

10 Secrets:

1. I wish every singe day that I could make a living doing the things I love.

2.  I am not the person I want to be, NOT EVEN CLOSE

3. I want to live in the middle of nowhere and live off the land.  I am not a Doomsdayer, just an introvert.

4. I am prepared to survive almost any kind of apocalypse. Again, not a Doomsdayer, just tend to over prepare.

5. I am a diabetic and I don't have health insurance.

6. I wish my kids were nerds... like "Revenge of the Nerds" nerds.

7. I have struggled with addictions my whole life.  Some I have overcome, some I have not, some are silly and some are dangerous.

8. I don't really like people all that much.

9. There are 3 things I wish I had an endless suply of: Yarn, Books and Jellybeans.

10.  There world scares me some days.

Phew... that was not too bad...

The Liebster Award

Y'all are never going to believe this... but Jenny over at Life With The Bearded J's nominated me for the Liebster Award!  I am truly honored Jenny, Thank You so very much!  Some times it is enough to just be nominated!!

Of course I am the girl who never wins anything (No REALLY... NOTHING... EVER) but who daydreams of winning!  I know my day is bound to come.  I've been practicing my autograph since I was 7 and I've got an acceptance speech around here somewhere... hold on... seriously... I just saw it the other day... where is it... of course, now that I actually need it I can't find it... I think I have it memorized though...

It is not everyday you get nominated for an award (or in my case EVER).  I am truly honored and blessed to accept this nomination.  There are so many deserving people who I owe a thank you too... Let's face it, a writer is only as successful as their readers make them.  I stand here (okay I am sitting, but same difference) humbled and blessed to have the best fans.  Y'all make this journey easier with your support, feedback and yes, even your friendship.  I know that my blog is just a blip in the Blog Universe, but someday, when I have hit it big, you, my fans will be able to say "I knew her when".
My acceptance speech would not be complete without thanking my amazing children J-Bird, The Boy and T-Dog.  Without them I'd be a hell of a lot skinnier, but nowhere near as complete as I am with them!  The Hubby of course get's a huge THANK YOU... for putting up with my craziness for the last 14 years, for allowing me to take some time to explore this writing thing and for giving me excellent material to write about.  I have to also thank my mom for the childhood that is the source of my crazy... and finally the universe for setting me on this path.  I can only write what I know, and thanks to the universe (or God, or whoever/whatever is in charge of such things) I know I have seen, smelled, tasted and touched more than I would have chosen for myself!  I am here because of all the bloggers before me who inspired and motivated me, as much as my family and fans deserve a thank you, so do they... Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Thaaannnk Yoooouuuu (yes, I totally sang that last thank you!)

Okay, here we go with the questions Jenny picked for me to answer...

WHATS YOUR FAVORITE PAST TIME ASIDE FROM BLOGGING?
I love to crochet.  I know, a totally "Old Lady" past time... but I find it relaxing while being creative at the same time.  And YES... I know it is not an  "Old Lady" hobby, but you know you pictured an old lady in a rocking chair when you first read this!

IF YOU COULD TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME, AND DO ONE THING IN LIFE DIFFERENTLY WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY?
This is a loaded questions for me.  I try to live by the idea that everything happens for a reason.  I also know that every step, every decision good or bad, every moment I've had, has brought me to this moment in my life, and even though life is not perfect and there are plenty of moments that I think about redoing... would I still be here, right now, with my incredible husband and beautiful children. As much as I think I could pin point a moment in time that I could go back to and change and still end up here... where I want to be... I don't know that I would want to risk the chance I'd change everything.  I know plenty of moments I'd relive, but not one moment in my life would be worth changing if it took today way.

WHAT IS YOUR MAIN GOAL YOU WOULD LIKE TO ACCOMPLISH WITH YOUR BLOG?
To be a voice that is heard!  What that voice says and what it stands for is still evolving, but I do know I want to be heard.  I want my blog to have a voice that might make a difference, might be a friend to someone in need or a lifeline for those sinking.  A voice that might entertain, or educate or provoke thought and debate.  It's one thing to make noise, it's  another to be heard.

IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?
I have had so many different answes to this question over the years.  As I've grown and evolved, so has my answer.  
We moved 1,000 miles away from the only home I had ever known 4 years ago and since then I have had few moments with some of my favorite people in the world.  If I could have lunch with just one person right now it would be my best friend Boobs (I promise she really is good with the nickname). I have not seen her since Christmas and even then there was so much drama going on we did not get much time with each other.  Boobs knows me better than anyone on the planet (yes, even better than The Hubby or my mom).  She has been with me during the darkest of dark days and is the ONE person that I know I can count on to be there for me NO MATTER WHAT.  She is my soul mate.  Living across the country from her has been painful at times.  We talk as much as we can, even if it is just for 2 minutes or 2 hours - we take what we can get.  A whole, long afternoon lunch with her would be just what my soul needs to feel whole for awhile.

WHAT INSPIRES YOU TO WRITE?
Everything inspires me to write.  I saw a psychic once who told me I had a story tellers soul.  My divine purpose is to share stories with the world. I have an opinion on EVERYTHING (really, everything), which gives me a point of view in which to write from.  I like the fact that I am inspired by the world around me... it means I can always find something to write about.

WHAT IS YOUR BLOGGING ROUTINE?
I don't have a bogging routine, I probably should have one, but I don't.  I try to write every day, it does not always happen though.  Is a routine important?  Should I make this more of a priority? OMG... have I been blogging wrong?  Anxiety is kicking in... shit.

WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WANT THE BLOGGING COMMUNITY TO KNOW ABOUT YOU?  I am a work in process.  I am still discovering what my voice sounds like and how to translate what I want to say into words people will understand find value in.  Be patient with me as I grow and evolve and I will make it worth your wild.

WHAT IS YOUR FONDEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY?
I am the oldest of 4 kids who for the first 15 years of my life were raised by a single mom.  We never had much and my mom worked a lot.  When we did do something special, she went all out to make is as memorable as possible.  My fondest memory from childhood is Christmas morning... any year of my childhood.  No matter how tight things were, no matter how little she would tell us to expect, Christmas morning was always met with celebration and surprised.  Everything always looked magical, with full stockings, a beautiful tree, presents dressed like art, special Santa gifts, the smell of Christmas in the air.  We never felt disappointed, never felt unloved or forgotten.  As a child I had no idea how hard she worked to pull it all off, what she sacrificed, what she begged and bartered for to ensure that all 4 of us kids got what we wanted.  She made Christmas magical and left a lasting impression on me.

IF YOU WERE NOT DOING WHAT YOU DO EVERYDAY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE DOING (FOR WORK OR FUN)?  If I was not the Homemaker and Part-time customer service agent I currently am... I would be a full time, PAID writer.  I would like to be a columnist, featured writer or even a novelist (I really want to be a novelist).  I have always wanted to write for a living - but life had other plans for me and I've pursued other career paths over the years.  It is my goal in life to get paid for doing what I love, and I love to write!!

DESCRIBE YOUR FIRST "REAL DATE", THE ONE WITHOUT CHAPERONS?
I am pretty sure I was 14 when I went on my first real date.  I had a steady boyfriend, in fact we had been together for over a year when the parents agreed to let us go on a date unchaperoned. We went to see a play that a few of my friends were in.  We took the city bus after school (my hometown has an excellent mass transit system that everyone uses) to the mall, where we had dinner at this local diner that was across the street.  It was an old school diner where the waiters still had to serve on roller skates and they had the best homemade malts ever (the diner was torn down a decade or so ago... made me sad to see it go).  My mom gave me money that morning before I went to school, telling me "a girl should never assume a boy will pay her way".  My date did pay though, I remember how proud he looked handing he money to the waitress.  After dinner we walked the three blocks to the warehouse that had been converted to a theater.  We held hands as we walked and may have stopped a few times to kiss a little.  All during the play we held hands and I rested my head on his shoulder.  Our parents had raised us better than to make out in public, but we certainly sat closer to each other than we would have had parents been present.  We certainly stole a quick kisses more often than we would have if parents were present.  I remember thinking how cool real dates were.
After the play we walked back to the mall with a few of our friends to get frozen yogurt.  We were the only couple among our friends that night.  They were envious we were allowed on a date without a chaperon of any kind.  Their envy created a lot of pressure actually... like we were being tested, like some how we could fail and never be allowed to date again.  We had fun, we were relaxed together, but we had been a couple for a year already so it was second nature to spend time together.  The pressure our friends seemed to bring was unexpected, but we survived.  My mom was picking me up from the mall that night, so before I knew I had to go outside to meet her, we stole off to a private corner to spend a few minutest saying good night..  We had been alone before, nut never like this, never without a friend close by or a parent or teacher close by.  Those stolen moments are still some of my fondest memories even all these years later. When my mom picked me up I guess I was grinning from ear to ear because she laughed and asked if I had made her a grandma.  It had been a perfect night, the perfect first real date!  We managed to stay together (admittedly off and on) for 5 more years and among my best dates in life he holds the top spots still.

Now that the fun part is over... 
Part of being nominated for the Liebster Award is to nominate other blogs.  I follow many blogs., they feed my lust for reading material and inspiration. These are a few blogs I feel are worthy of a nomination:
A Day in the Life of a Drama Queens Mamma
Life of a Traveling Navy Wife
Mother of Serendipity
Murphy UnCut
Tracy on the Rocks

Okay, the following are the 10 Questions I would love for the Blog Writers I've nominated to answer:

1. Why did you decide to start a blog?

2. What song best describes you?

3. Favorite Jolly Rancher flavor and why?

4. Name the one book that has had the most impact on your life?

5. The one place in the world you've never visited but that you would like to and why?

6. If you could have anyone (currently living) write your obituary, who would it be and why?

7. It's the zombie apocalypse and a swarm is headed your way, you have One Minute to gather everything you can carry (don't worry, kids, spouses and pets are safe), what do you grab and why?

8. What 3 lessons do you thing every child should be taught?

9. If you were to write a book, what would you title it and why?

10. Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

Official Rules of the Liebster Award

If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award and choose to accept it, you must write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:

1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link back to their blog on your blog.

2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget” on your sidebar.

3. Answer the 10 questions about yourself provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. Nominate 5 – 10 blogs that you feel deserve the award. (They must have a less than 1000 followers.)

5. Create a new list of questions for those bloggers to answer.

6. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.)

7. Once you have written and published it, you then must inform the people/blogs that you nominated and provide a link to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

Letting Go of Ghosts

We all have ghosts, you know, those memories of people of the past that can come out of nowhere and haunt you.  I work really hard to keep my ghosts at bay, to not let them get to me,  There is nothing I can do about the past except make sure I don't make similar mistakes.

With all the talk about domestic violence in the news lately, one of my ghosts has managed to get to me.  I've tried not to dwell on the 3 years this ghost represents but the thoughts and memories are there.  I've decided to write about my experience in the hopes that getting it all out will let me bury this ghost once and for all.

I spent 3 years in a physically, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.  "J" (it's better I keep his real name out of this) was that clean cut attractive farm boy all the girls had a crush on.  Although young and wild, I knew I was not looking for love, just a good time when I met him.  He swept me off my feet of course.  He was full of charm and swagger, with a boyish smile and fire in his eyes.

Our relationship was complicated at best in the beginning, we both brought a lot of baggage with us.  I had been around long enough to have been in a few dysfunctional relationships already, chaos and tension were kind of the norm for me in those days.

The abuse started almost right away, at first it was subtle things, a grab of the arm just a little too hard, discrediting friends who seemed to dislike him, intense verbal attacks, exaggerated jealousy.  I mistook his behavior for passion, for desire, for love, instead of what it really was.

I never thought I would end up in an abusive relationship.  I thought I was stronger than that, smarter than that.  J just had this power over me from the very start.  I let him control me, abuse me, manipulate me and violate me.  I had never let anyone treat me the way he treated me.  He was my kryptonite - I felt powerless against him.

I use to think the reasons I used to stay made sense.  We had only been together a few months when I got pregnant.  I had been raised without a father, I did not want the same fate for my child.  Even when I would be laying on the bathroom floor curled in a ball to protect my womb from his forceful kicks, I rationalized my reasons for staying.  J did not like for me to work.  He thought my place was in the home.  I did everything I could to make him happy.  I had never really saw myself as domesticated, but I learned fast.  I made sure I took care of his every need.  I was completely dependent on him for everything but I created a home environment that made it feel as though he needed me, how could I leave, he needed me.

By the time our child was born, I knew he would never willingly let me go.  I had tried once to leave, early on in our relationship after he beat me for the first time.  When he found me, hiding at a friends house he did not care for, he told me that I belonged to him, that our unborn child belong to him and that he would rather kill me before letting me just walk away from him.  That is when I lost hope of ever being free. Staying felt like the only option I had.  That's what he wanted.

The worst part of it all was that NO ONE really knew how bad the abuse was.  Living with J was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  To the outside world J was a hardworking young man who doted on his Wife (we were common-law) and child.  He went to work, he paid his bills, was nice to the people around him.  He smiled in public, held my hand in public, whispered sweet nothings in my ear in public.  He was helpful and friendly and people loved him, they praised him and they lifted him up.  Of course, at home, behind closed doors he was dark and cruel.  He loved to joke that he ruled with an iron fist... sadly though it was not really a joke.  I had rules that must be followed.  He had no tolerance for anything not done his way.  There were punishments for what he deemed misbehavior.  I woke up everyday knowing that I would be called worthless, lazy, and ugly.  I woke up everyday knowing I would be hit at least once in the course of the day, because it reminded me of his power.  He was brutal and mean behind closed doors.  He was manipulating and dominate behind closed doors, and he always demonstrated his power and control.

It was 3 long years of fear, of pain, of soul crushing weakness.  I would dream of running away, of being strong enough to stay away.  I dreamed of finding control, finding strength.  I dreamed of loving him enough to change him, to heal him of his anger.  I dreamed that maybe one day the abuse would stop and we could be a real family, with no pain, no hurt and no anger.

It's been almost 16 years since I finally found the courage to leave J.  He did not make it easy, but once I found my courage, he did not seem so scary.  I still don't know why it took me so long to find that courage, but once I did there was no going back.
I use to think about what made me so helpless under J's control, what made me powerless in his presents, why I didn't lover myself enough to leave him the first time he hit me.  I blamed myself for the abuse, sure it was something I did, or didn't do that caused him such anger.  3 years of abuse striped away my self confidence, my self worth and my voice.

Healing from the abuse was a long, rough road.  J was no longer physically able to abuse me, but he was very much in my head and had a grip on my emotions for years.  Even after I found away to forgive him, I struggled with finding  forgiveness for myself.  I might not have done anything wrong to create the abuse, it might not have been my fault J was broken inside.  My guilt had to do with staying, with what I saw as allowing the abuse to continue when I could have left.  I understand now of course that the guilt was a product of the abuse, I did not deserve to be beaten, to be dehumanized and violated.  I may not have been perfect, but even with faults, nothing I did warranted being treated like a punching bad, being torn and beaten down.

J may have meant to ruin me, to take away my spirit and my willingness to love again, but he did not succeed. I survived his abuse, I over came his abuse.  I discovered real love, respectful love, true love.  J's ghost haunts me still from time to time but he is long gone from my heart and my soul and even though it felt like I spent 3 years in hell, I am better and stronger then he ever thought I would be, then he ever said I would be - I guess I could say, I won in the end.

I am ready to let go of his ghost, of the ghost that was our relationship, that was my prison.  I've long ago forgiven him and forgotten him and as my beautiful oldest child inches ever closer to adulthood, it is time to let go finally of these ghost and live free from the sorrow and pain that was those 3 years.

Ghosts can be hard to live with, they can be hard to ignore or dismiss - but when you find the strength to let the ghost go, it can be the most enlightening and uplifting experience... One I am grateful to have.

Reflection: The Double-Edged Sword

Now that school is back in session and the house has returned to a quiet sanctuary - I have time to think, time to focus, time to reflect.

I believe that reflection, on life, on self, on focus and change is important.  I believe that reflection is needed for growth and to evolve as a person.  Without reflection you can not learn who you are, where you have been, or where you are headed.

I am learning however, that reflection can be a double-edged sword.  Reflection may help spur growth and change, but as an over-thinking worrywart, refection often comes at a cost... opening old wounds, stirring emotions, reminding of pain and sadness as well as joy and success.

It is not easy to spend time working on ones self when it hurts, when there is pain and sorrow.  No one wants to be reminded of the bad choices, the ignorant decisions, the blows from those we thought loved us, or at best, liked us.  Without spending time reflecting though, how would we ever rise up from the ashes?

Reflection may bring me tears, it may allow regret to creep in and for me to feel vulnerable and exposed, but some how I am a better person for feeling it, for allowing myself to reflect on the moments of the past and using what I gain from my refection to grow.

So here is to my quiet house, my time to think, time to focus, time to reflect, my time to grow and feel and move forward in this crazy insane life.

Denial is a river in Egypt

I have spent my entire life denying something or someone.  Denial has been a safe place for me, a place to hid, to protect, and to wait.  Denial has been a prison, to hold me hostage, to keep in the dark.

Denial has been my friend.  Denial has been my savior.  Denial has been my enemy.  Denial has been my demon.  Denial has allowed me to shield myself from reality.  If I just deny it, whatever it might be, it can’t hurt me, it can’t disappointment, it cannot let me down or make me feel things I don’t want to feel.

I have denied myself.  I have denied others.  I have used denial to avoid emotional connects, to avoid feeling anything all.  I have used denial to continue bad behaviors and to engage in self-destructive habits.

I have denied truths.  I have denied lies.  I have embraced that denying something, truth or lie may be easier than facing the reality of a situation.  I have used denial as a tool to hide behind both truths and lies.

I have denied love.  I have denied hate.  I have used denial as a weapon to avoid having to feel emotions, to avoid having to accept emotions and I have used denial as a weapon to destroy emotions of other.  I have denied every emotion I have ever felt.

Denial has allowed me to control what I let in, who I let in, what I believe, what I feel, what I want.

I have denied illness.  I have denied joy.  I have denied pain.  I have denied laughter.  I have denied help from others.  I have denied help to others.

I have lived my life full of denial.  I have accepted denial as part of my reality.  I am okay with denial.  It may not be healthy, it may not be good for me, it may not allow me to live a free and open life, to embrace denial as I do, to battle with denial as I do ~ but it is part of who I am.  It is part of my fabric, part of my DNA.

Denial is the only thing I do not deny.

I am who I am

I am who I am.  I believe what I believe.  My convictions are my own.  I am a person who has opinions and a voice should I chose to share my thoughts.  I fight for what I feel is right, based on my own beliefs and convictions, not what someone else tells me is right or worthy to fight for.

I am an independent thinker with the ability to educate myself on matters I find important and I have the ability to make up my own mind.  Agreeably I am very liberal in my beliefs and convictions.  I believe in equal rights, the right to chose, equal pay, education and even evolution and global warming.  But I am also conservative in some areas... I believe in less government, freedom to bear arms, allowing faith in schools and yes, I do believe in God.

I am of the conviction that I can believe in what I want and how I want.  You might call me a hodgepodge of beliefs.  I come from the school of open mindedness.  I was raised in an environment of open mindedness and because of that I was able to develop my own thought process on matters like religion, government and life in general.

I respect everyone, and the idea that we all have different opinions.  Your choice in God, political party, and view points on hot topics like abortion, equal rights, gay marriage or world events will not determine whether or not I will have a friendship with you.  As long as equal respect is given, I judge no one based on their personal beliefs and opinions. 

My opinions are my own, I have formed them based on what I know and how I feel.  I will hare my opinions and engage in healthy, friendly debate.  I welcome debate as long as it remains a debate focused on fact and respect.  Debate is good, it fuels conversation and inspires people to get educated and informed about the things they feel passionate about.

I am who I am.  I believe what I believe.  I share what I share.  I grow as I grow.  Let us all remember that we are who we are and believe what we believe and it is okay to be different, okay to be opinionated and passionate about our convictions.  Stay true to who you are and what you believe, with respect for all.

Naked and Exposed

     I've made this decision to recommit myself to becoming an accomplished Blogger.  I've let go (I am letting go) of the idea that I am not going to be one of the funny "mommy" blogger's.  It is not that I am not a funny person - because I am a freaking riot - but it's not my life and it's not my writing style and it's not what's in my heart.

     I have to stop trying to make myself something I am not, and embrace what I am.  I am a writer of life and opinion and self.  Of course I want to make people laugh and draw an audience with humor, but as is apparent from the lack of posts on my blog, I have not been successful with the humor thing so far.

     My reality, my "real life" is messy and complicated and some times down right ugly.  I am extremely opinionated ~ almost to a point where I think I might actually be judgement rather than just opinionated (but that is for another post).  I scream, I yell, I swear and break down and I cry... and find little humor in all of this some times.  I do however always feel inspired to share the mess that is my life, so I need to share in the truest form and not in some forced form of humor.

      Letting go of the perception that I could write my ugly, complicated, drama riddled life in a comedic way is leaving me feeling very exposed and variable.  Showing people the layers of my life in a raw and honest way is frighting.  To take the fluffy humor out of my writing and leave the realness of reality leaves me exposed to the world ~ Naked and Exposed.  I am not comfortable naked, I have way to many flaws to feel comfortable.  I can not let this hold me back though.  I can not be the only person in this great big world living a ugly, complicated, drama riddled life.

      My heart demands that I share, that I write ~ Naked and Exposed if I must, with all my flaws and faults glaring for the world to see.  I need to believe, my soul demands that I see that what I write might actually be important to someone, it might inspire someone, it might even save someone.
      I have a skill, a talent, that can move people, that can educate people that can bring joy, tears, memories and emotions.

     My words, in whatever format I chose to share them can and will bring something to this world, some how.  As variable as I feel, I know this is the right direction to be moving in.  It is time to tear down my walls and give what I have to give, to feed my dream and write toward my future.

I'm Back!!

I know, I've been gone awhile. I have been going through some stuff... that I will at some point talk about, but I just wanted to post something today, as I am recommitting myself to be a blogger and posting some on a DAILY bases... yes you read that right, I am going to post something EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It might not be much each day, but it will be something.  If I can post 20 times a day on Facebook and 100 times a day on Twitter (well maybe it's not 100) then I can find the time to write something for this blog on a daily!!  So be excited Nesters, I am recommitting myself to writing, to ranting and raving and sharing and opening up and improving my skills!!  Yeah for me!!!
Okay, that is all for now... I am actually working on a real life for post to put up later today!!!

Mamma Hen signing off!!

Family Ties

When I was growing up I did not know my extended family very well.  My mom had a lot of issues with her family and my biological father was not in the picture so it kept us from spending time with aunts and uncles and cousins.  I really don't know any of my extended family even now as an adult.  I mean I am friends with some of my aunts and cousins on facebook but that is about it. When I had kids I swore I would do whatever it took to make sure that my kids were close with their aunts and uncles and cousins and I am proud to say that they are.  Sure they could be closer with some, but I do my part to keep the relationships open, I cannot force people to be active parts of our life if they don't want to be.  My kids get to grow up with their cousins and that is so awesome to me.  I get to be an aunt, which I totally love and am really good at and we all get to feel part of a family, outside of our own little unit.  As a kid I always felt so lonely and like I was missing out on something because I did not have close relationships within my family.  Even today it saddens me that I am not closer with the many cousins and aunts and uncles that I have, as I value family so much and would love to be close with all of them.  

The kids just got some Easter presents from one of their aunts and I know how excited they are going to be when they come home and open their boxes!!  The kids and I also started this thing where each set of aunt and uncles gets a holiday and we send little packages with cards and special things to them on that holiday.  So far we have done Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, April fool's Day and Easter.  We picked the "off" holidays like Labor Day and Earth Day and silly ones like that, so that they have to put thought into what they send.  So far each box has been so much fun for us to put together and for the person receiving to get!!  It has allowed the kids the chance to get to know each aunt and uncle so they know what kind of things to pick out for their boxes!!  It has really been a fun little venture and I think this going to be an annual thing for us.  Each year we will mix up the holidays, and just keep showing how much we love the people in our lives!!

Family is what you make it right?  Well I am making a close family with memories and closeness, because that is what my heart tells me we need!