Reflection: The Double-Edged Sword

Now that school is back in session and the house has returned to a quiet sanctuary - I have time to think, time to focus, time to reflect.

I believe that reflection, on life, on self, on focus and change is important.  I believe that reflection is needed for growth and to evolve as a person.  Without reflection you can not learn who you are, where you have been, or where you are headed.

I am learning however, that reflection can be a double-edged sword.  Reflection may help spur growth and change, but as an over-thinking worrywart, refection often comes at a cost... opening old wounds, stirring emotions, reminding of pain and sadness as well as joy and success.

It is not easy to spend time working on ones self when it hurts, when there is pain and sorrow.  No one wants to be reminded of the bad choices, the ignorant decisions, the blows from those we thought loved us, or at best, liked us.  Without spending time reflecting though, how would we ever rise up from the ashes?

Reflection may bring me tears, it may allow regret to creep in and for me to feel vulnerable and exposed, but some how I am a better person for feeling it, for allowing myself to reflect on the moments of the past and using what I gain from my refection to grow.

So here is to my quiet house, my time to think, time to focus, time to reflect, my time to grow and feel and move forward in this crazy insane life.

Denial is a river in Egypt

I have spent my entire life denying something or someone.  Denial has been a safe place for me, a place to hid, to protect, and to wait.  Denial has been a prison, to hold me hostage, to keep in the dark.

Denial has been my friend.  Denial has been my savior.  Denial has been my enemy.  Denial has been my demon.  Denial has allowed me to shield myself from reality.  If I just deny it, whatever it might be, it can’t hurt me, it can’t disappointment, it cannot let me down or make me feel things I don’t want to feel.

I have denied myself.  I have denied others.  I have used denial to avoid emotional connects, to avoid feeling anything all.  I have used denial to continue bad behaviors and to engage in self-destructive habits.

I have denied truths.  I have denied lies.  I have embraced that denying something, truth or lie may be easier than facing the reality of a situation.  I have used denial as a tool to hide behind both truths and lies.

I have denied love.  I have denied hate.  I have used denial as a weapon to avoid having to feel emotions, to avoid having to accept emotions and I have used denial as a weapon to destroy emotions of other.  I have denied every emotion I have ever felt.

Denial has allowed me to control what I let in, who I let in, what I believe, what I feel, what I want.

I have denied illness.  I have denied joy.  I have denied pain.  I have denied laughter.  I have denied help from others.  I have denied help to others.

I have lived my life full of denial.  I have accepted denial as part of my reality.  I am okay with denial.  It may not be healthy, it may not be good for me, it may not allow me to live a free and open life, to embrace denial as I do, to battle with denial as I do ~ but it is part of who I am.  It is part of my fabric, part of my DNA.

Denial is the only thing I do not deny.