It's been a really long week that
has forced me to feel more emotions then I ever really care to feel.
I hate
feeling, it is why I became a drug addict at 14 and why I stayed a drug addict
for more than 10 years. I try to avoid the whole feeling thing whenever
possible. I don't do drugs anymore to avoid feelings, now I just stuff
them deep down inside and try to ignore them as much as I possibly can.
I don't do
emotions very well, they seem to consume and over power me. They invade me,
taking over all normal rational thought. Emotions also tend to hurt, man
do they hurt usually and I cannot be alone in the whole, I really don't like to
hurt thing. It is better for me to just try and not feel any emotions....
there is just one problem...
I don't want
to feel, but I do, I feel everything it seems and then I fall victim to my
emotions and I become this mess of feelings and tears and nerves and my
thoughts get ugly and distorted and I can't get away from the feelings and I
just want to hide until the emotions can be drowned somehow, hence why I try
not to feel.
It sucks to
hate feeling... it makes getting through everyday life really difficult some
times. Trying not to feel because feelings suck and having a life that
creates feelings, because, well, I am freaking human, it all creates this
constant battle in my head and my heart. It is exhausting to not feel, it
exhausting to feel. Emotions, felt or avoided just drain life out of me it
seems. Maybe I am broken, maybe I don't feel right, maybe I don't process
emotions like a normal person would and that is why I try to avoid feeling at
all costs.
It's a week
like this that I remember why for years I choose drugs over feeling, why I ran
from life instead of feeling, why I shut my heart off to people. I have
tried so hard this week to not let emotions control me, to not feel the
overwhelming emotions that the events of the week have been trying to shove
down my throat. I have tried using my avoidance tactics, I have tried to
deny that I have had feelings at all this week, that I have been emotional at
all this week... and I have failed. I am a bumbling, sobbing mess of
tears and snot right now, as I write this, feeling everything, being invaded by
all the emotions that I don't want to feel, I am crumbling under the weight of
emotions I would rather be denying, that I have been denying.
I hate feeling, I hate having
feelings, and I hate dealing with feelings. Nothing good ever came from
feelings. I hate emotions and the roller coaster that I always seem to be on
whey I let emotions in.
I am so very
tired, feeling often does that to me, weakens me to my core. I am going
to shove all these emotions I have back into the depths of myself, out of the
way, where I can't feel them for now, because I am tired and I am done feeling.
I hate feeling and I don't want to do it anymore right now.
