Letting Go of Ghosts

We all have ghosts, you know, those memories of people of the past that can come out of nowhere and haunt you.  I work really hard to keep my ghosts at bay, to not let them get to me,  There is nothing I can do about the past except make sure I don't make similar mistakes.

With all the talk about domestic violence in the news lately, one of my ghosts has managed to get to me.  I've tried not to dwell on the 3 years this ghost represents but the thoughts and memories are there.  I've decided to write about my experience in the hopes that getting it all out will let me bury this ghost once and for all.

I spent 3 years in a physically, emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.  "J" (it's better I keep his real name out of this) was that clean cut attractive farm boy all the girls had a crush on.  Although young and wild, I knew I was not looking for love, just a good time when I met him.  He swept me off my feet of course.  He was full of charm and swagger, with a boyish smile and fire in his eyes.

Our relationship was complicated at best in the beginning, we both brought a lot of baggage with us.  I had been around long enough to have been in a few dysfunctional relationships already, chaos and tension were kind of the norm for me in those days.

The abuse started almost right away, at first it was subtle things, a grab of the arm just a little too hard, discrediting friends who seemed to dislike him, intense verbal attacks, exaggerated jealousy.  I mistook his behavior for passion, for desire, for love, instead of what it really was.

I never thought I would end up in an abusive relationship.  I thought I was stronger than that, smarter than that.  J just had this power over me from the very start.  I let him control me, abuse me, manipulate me and violate me.  I had never let anyone treat me the way he treated me.  He was my kryptonite - I felt powerless against him.

I use to think the reasons I used to stay made sense.  We had only been together a few months when I got pregnant.  I had been raised without a father, I did not want the same fate for my child.  Even when I would be laying on the bathroom floor curled in a ball to protect my womb from his forceful kicks, I rationalized my reasons for staying.  J did not like for me to work.  He thought my place was in the home.  I did everything I could to make him happy.  I had never really saw myself as domesticated, but I learned fast.  I made sure I took care of his every need.  I was completely dependent on him for everything but I created a home environment that made it feel as though he needed me, how could I leave, he needed me.

By the time our child was born, I knew he would never willingly let me go.  I had tried once to leave, early on in our relationship after he beat me for the first time.  When he found me, hiding at a friends house he did not care for, he told me that I belonged to him, that our unborn child belong to him and that he would rather kill me before letting me just walk away from him.  That is when I lost hope of ever being free. Staying felt like the only option I had.  That's what he wanted.

The worst part of it all was that NO ONE really knew how bad the abuse was.  Living with J was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  To the outside world J was a hardworking young man who doted on his Wife (we were common-law) and child.  He went to work, he paid his bills, was nice to the people around him.  He smiled in public, held my hand in public, whispered sweet nothings in my ear in public.  He was helpful and friendly and people loved him, they praised him and they lifted him up.  Of course, at home, behind closed doors he was dark and cruel.  He loved to joke that he ruled with an iron fist... sadly though it was not really a joke.  I had rules that must be followed.  He had no tolerance for anything not done his way.  There were punishments for what he deemed misbehavior.  I woke up everyday knowing that I would be called worthless, lazy, and ugly.  I woke up everyday knowing I would be hit at least once in the course of the day, because it reminded me of his power.  He was brutal and mean behind closed doors.  He was manipulating and dominate behind closed doors, and he always demonstrated his power and control.

It was 3 long years of fear, of pain, of soul crushing weakness.  I would dream of running away, of being strong enough to stay away.  I dreamed of finding control, finding strength.  I dreamed of loving him enough to change him, to heal him of his anger.  I dreamed that maybe one day the abuse would stop and we could be a real family, with no pain, no hurt and no anger.

It's been almost 16 years since I finally found the courage to leave J.  He did not make it easy, but once I found my courage, he did not seem so scary.  I still don't know why it took me so long to find that courage, but once I did there was no going back.
I use to think about what made me so helpless under J's control, what made me powerless in his presents, why I didn't lover myself enough to leave him the first time he hit me.  I blamed myself for the abuse, sure it was something I did, or didn't do that caused him such anger.  3 years of abuse striped away my self confidence, my self worth and my voice.

Healing from the abuse was a long, rough road.  J was no longer physically able to abuse me, but he was very much in my head and had a grip on my emotions for years.  Even after I found away to forgive him, I struggled with finding  forgiveness for myself.  I might not have done anything wrong to create the abuse, it might not have been my fault J was broken inside.  My guilt had to do with staying, with what I saw as allowing the abuse to continue when I could have left.  I understand now of course that the guilt was a product of the abuse, I did not deserve to be beaten, to be dehumanized and violated.  I may not have been perfect, but even with faults, nothing I did warranted being treated like a punching bad, being torn and beaten down.

J may have meant to ruin me, to take away my spirit and my willingness to love again, but he did not succeed. I survived his abuse, I over came his abuse.  I discovered real love, respectful love, true love.  J's ghost haunts me still from time to time but he is long gone from my heart and my soul and even though it felt like I spent 3 years in hell, I am better and stronger then he ever thought I would be, then he ever said I would be - I guess I could say, I won in the end.

I am ready to let go of his ghost, of the ghost that was our relationship, that was my prison.  I've long ago forgiven him and forgotten him and as my beautiful oldest child inches ever closer to adulthood, it is time to let go finally of these ghost and live free from the sorrow and pain that was those 3 years.

Ghosts can be hard to live with, they can be hard to ignore or dismiss - but when you find the strength to let the ghost go, it can be the most enlightening and uplifting experience... One I am grateful to have.

Reflection: The Double-Edged Sword

Now that school is back in session and the house has returned to a quiet sanctuary - I have time to think, time to focus, time to reflect.

I believe that reflection, on life, on self, on focus and change is important.  I believe that reflection is needed for growth and to evolve as a person.  Without reflection you can not learn who you are, where you have been, or where you are headed.

I am learning however, that reflection can be a double-edged sword.  Reflection may help spur growth and change, but as an over-thinking worrywart, refection often comes at a cost... opening old wounds, stirring emotions, reminding of pain and sadness as well as joy and success.

It is not easy to spend time working on ones self when it hurts, when there is pain and sorrow.  No one wants to be reminded of the bad choices, the ignorant decisions, the blows from those we thought loved us, or at best, liked us.  Without spending time reflecting though, how would we ever rise up from the ashes?

Reflection may bring me tears, it may allow regret to creep in and for me to feel vulnerable and exposed, but some how I am a better person for feeling it, for allowing myself to reflect on the moments of the past and using what I gain from my refection to grow.

So here is to my quiet house, my time to think, time to focus, time to reflect, my time to grow and feel and move forward in this crazy insane life.

Denial is a river in Egypt

I have spent my entire life denying something or someone.  Denial has been a safe place for me, a place to hid, to protect, and to wait.  Denial has been a prison, to hold me hostage, to keep in the dark.

Denial has been my friend.  Denial has been my savior.  Denial has been my enemy.  Denial has been my demon.  Denial has allowed me to shield myself from reality.  If I just deny it, whatever it might be, it can’t hurt me, it can’t disappointment, it cannot let me down or make me feel things I don’t want to feel.

I have denied myself.  I have denied others.  I have used denial to avoid emotional connects, to avoid feeling anything all.  I have used denial to continue bad behaviors and to engage in self-destructive habits.

I have denied truths.  I have denied lies.  I have embraced that denying something, truth or lie may be easier than facing the reality of a situation.  I have used denial as a tool to hide behind both truths and lies.

I have denied love.  I have denied hate.  I have used denial as a weapon to avoid having to feel emotions, to avoid having to accept emotions and I have used denial as a weapon to destroy emotions of other.  I have denied every emotion I have ever felt.

Denial has allowed me to control what I let in, who I let in, what I believe, what I feel, what I want.

I have denied illness.  I have denied joy.  I have denied pain.  I have denied laughter.  I have denied help from others.  I have denied help to others.

I have lived my life full of denial.  I have accepted denial as part of my reality.  I am okay with denial.  It may not be healthy, it may not be good for me, it may not allow me to live a free and open life, to embrace denial as I do, to battle with denial as I do ~ but it is part of who I am.  It is part of my fabric, part of my DNA.

Denial is the only thing I do not deny.

I am who I am

I am who I am.  I believe what I believe.  My convictions are my own.  I am a person who has opinions and a voice should I chose to share my thoughts.  I fight for what I feel is right, based on my own beliefs and convictions, not what someone else tells me is right or worthy to fight for.

I am an independent thinker with the ability to educate myself on matters I find important and I have the ability to make up my own mind.  Agreeably I am very liberal in my beliefs and convictions.  I believe in equal rights, the right to chose, equal pay, education and even evolution and global warming.  But I am also conservative in some areas... I believe in less government, freedom to bear arms, allowing faith in schools and yes, I do believe in God.

I am of the conviction that I can believe in what I want and how I want.  You might call me a hodgepodge of beliefs.  I come from the school of open mindedness.  I was raised in an environment of open mindedness and because of that I was able to develop my own thought process on matters like religion, government and life in general.

I respect everyone, and the idea that we all have different opinions.  Your choice in God, political party, and view points on hot topics like abortion, equal rights, gay marriage or world events will not determine whether or not I will have a friendship with you.  As long as equal respect is given, I judge no one based on their personal beliefs and opinions. 

My opinions are my own, I have formed them based on what I know and how I feel.  I will hare my opinions and engage in healthy, friendly debate.  I welcome debate as long as it remains a debate focused on fact and respect.  Debate is good, it fuels conversation and inspires people to get educated and informed about the things they feel passionate about.

I am who I am.  I believe what I believe.  I share what I share.  I grow as I grow.  Let us all remember that we are who we are and believe what we believe and it is okay to be different, okay to be opinionated and passionate about our convictions.  Stay true to who you are and what you believe, with respect for all.

Naked and Exposed

     I've made this decision to recommit myself to becoming an accomplished Blogger.  I've let go (I am letting go) of the idea that I am not going to be one of the funny "mommy" blogger's.  It is not that I am not a funny person - because I am a freaking riot - but it's not my life and it's not my writing style and it's not what's in my heart.

     I have to stop trying to make myself something I am not, and embrace what I am.  I am a writer of life and opinion and self.  Of course I want to make people laugh and draw an audience with humor, but as is apparent from the lack of posts on my blog, I have not been successful with the humor thing so far.

     My reality, my "real life" is messy and complicated and some times down right ugly.  I am extremely opinionated ~ almost to a point where I think I might actually be judgement rather than just opinionated (but that is for another post).  I scream, I yell, I swear and break down and I cry... and find little humor in all of this some times.  I do however always feel inspired to share the mess that is my life, so I need to share in the truest form and not in some forced form of humor.

      Letting go of the perception that I could write my ugly, complicated, drama riddled life in a comedic way is leaving me feeling very exposed and variable.  Showing people the layers of my life in a raw and honest way is frighting.  To take the fluffy humor out of my writing and leave the realness of reality leaves me exposed to the world ~ Naked and Exposed.  I am not comfortable naked, I have way to many flaws to feel comfortable.  I can not let this hold me back though.  I can not be the only person in this great big world living a ugly, complicated, drama riddled life.

      My heart demands that I share, that I write ~ Naked and Exposed if I must, with all my flaws and faults glaring for the world to see.  I need to believe, my soul demands that I see that what I write might actually be important to someone, it might inspire someone, it might even save someone.
      I have a skill, a talent, that can move people, that can educate people that can bring joy, tears, memories and emotions.

     My words, in whatever format I chose to share them can and will bring something to this world, some how.  As variable as I feel, I know this is the right direction to be moving in.  It is time to tear down my walls and give what I have to give, to feed my dream and write toward my future.

I'm Back!!

I know, I've been gone awhile. I have been going through some stuff... that I will at some point talk about, but I just wanted to post something today, as I am recommitting myself to be a blogger and posting some on a DAILY bases... yes you read that right, I am going to post something EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It might not be much each day, but it will be something.  If I can post 20 times a day on Facebook and 100 times a day on Twitter (well maybe it's not 100) then I can find the time to write something for this blog on a daily!!  So be excited Nesters, I am recommitting myself to writing, to ranting and raving and sharing and opening up and improving my skills!!  Yeah for me!!!
Okay, that is all for now... I am actually working on a real life for post to put up later today!!!

Mamma Hen signing off!!

Family Ties

When I was growing up I did not know my extended family very well.  My mom had a lot of issues with her family and my biological father was not in the picture so it kept us from spending time with aunts and uncles and cousins.  I really don't know any of my extended family even now as an adult.  I mean I am friends with some of my aunts and cousins on facebook but that is about it. When I had kids I swore I would do whatever it took to make sure that my kids were close with their aunts and uncles and cousins and I am proud to say that they are.  Sure they could be closer with some, but I do my part to keep the relationships open, I cannot force people to be active parts of our life if they don't want to be.  My kids get to grow up with their cousins and that is so awesome to me.  I get to be an aunt, which I totally love and am really good at and we all get to feel part of a family, outside of our own little unit.  As a kid I always felt so lonely and like I was missing out on something because I did not have close relationships within my family.  Even today it saddens me that I am not closer with the many cousins and aunts and uncles that I have, as I value family so much and would love to be close with all of them.  

The kids just got some Easter presents from one of their aunts and I know how excited they are going to be when they come home and open their boxes!!  The kids and I also started this thing where each set of aunt and uncles gets a holiday and we send little packages with cards and special things to them on that holiday.  So far we have done Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, April fool's Day and Easter.  We picked the "off" holidays like Labor Day and Earth Day and silly ones like that, so that they have to put thought into what they send.  So far each box has been so much fun for us to put together and for the person receiving to get!!  It has allowed the kids the chance to get to know each aunt and uncle so they know what kind of things to pick out for their boxes!!  It has really been a fun little venture and I think this going to be an annual thing for us.  Each year we will mix up the holidays, and just keep showing how much we love the people in our lives!!

Family is what you make it right?  Well I am making a close family with memories and closeness, because that is what my heart tells me we need!