Sunday, August 24, 2014

Denial is a river in Egypt

I have spent my entire life denying something or someone.  Denial has been a safe place for me, a place to hid, to protect, and to wait.  Denial has been a prison, to hold me hostage, to keep in the dark.

Denial has been my friend.  Denial has been my savior.  Denial has been my enemy.  Denial has been my demon.  Denial has allowed me to shield myself from reality.  If I just deny it, whatever it might be, it can’t hurt me, it can’t disappointment, it cannot let me down or make me feel things I don’t want to feel.

I have denied myself.  I have denied others.  I have used denial to avoid emotional connects, to avoid feeling anything all.  I have used denial to continue bad behaviors and to engage in self-destructive habits.

I have denied truths.  I have denied lies.  I have embraced that denying something, truth or lie may be easier than facing the reality of a situation.  I have used denial as a tool to hide behind both truths and lies.

I have denied love.  I have denied hate.  I have used denial as a weapon to avoid having to feel emotions, to avoid having to accept emotions and I have used denial as a weapon to destroy emotions of other.  I have denied every emotion I have ever felt.

Denial has allowed me to control what I let in, who I let in, what I believe, what I feel, what I want.
I have denied illness.  I have denied joy.  I have denied pain.  I have denied laughter.  I have denied help from others.  I have denied help to others.

I have lived my life full of denial.  I have accepted denial as part of my reality.  I am okay with denial.  It may not be healthy, it may not be good for me, it may not allow me to live a free and open life, to embrace denial as I do, to battle with denial as I do ~ but it is part of who I am.  It is part of my fabric, part of my DNA.

Denial is the only thing I do not deny.

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