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Sunday, October 26, 2014

Day Five - 6 Places

Places are more than just desired vacations spots…
Some places have meaning, some have value and some are not physical places at all, but a place or moment in time or in thought.  Places can be anything you want them to be.  The list of places I have never been is much longer than the list of places I have been.  The list of places I want to visit is much longer than the list of the places I’ll never go.

6 Places
1.       The front yard of Boobs old house.  This was our spot… this is where our whole group of friends gathered around the table, eating and drinking and laughing and being family.  The yard was always full with the kids running around and friends of all kinds shadowed by a 100 year old oak tree that housed a family of owls.  It is where we sat and shared our lives, where we watched our kids grow up, our husbands grow-up (and occasionally fall down) and where we could just be.  I sure do miss that yard.

2.       The walking path along the Boulder Creed in my home town of Boulder Colorado.  This is a path that stretches east to west through most of Boulder… and I’ve walked the whole thing (more than once) although admittedly not at the same time.  It will take you up the canyon to places like Eben G Fine Park and east past the High School and The Harvest House (I wonder if that is still the name of that place).  It’s where I spent so much of my life, walking, riding bikes, hanging out on the creek… going to the library or to the mall.  I kissed boys on this path and I got drunk on this path, I met strangers that became friends on this path.  I found nature in the middle of a city (well a city in Colorado terms) on this path.  If you’re ever in Boulder, you should go for a walk along the path.

3.       Rocky Mountain National Park (RMNP).  This place of majestic national park has always been within a 45 minute drive from me until we moved to Texas.  It is a magical place, full of amazing beauty.  Driving up Trail Ridge Road (the highest continuous paved road in the US), its winding turns and stunning views.  Snow walls reaching 22 feet some times (I have pictures).  Elk, Moose, Longhorn Sheep, Beavers, and Foxes… animals living as God intended.  Fall River Road, a crazy winding dirt road taking you up the back side of the mountain.  It was an annual field trip when I was in school, an annual camping spot with my family.  It was the first place “away from home” that I took all 3 of my children (they were all less than 6 months the first time we took them to the park).  It’s the place my father-in-law asked us to scatter his ashes.  I miss this place, its beauty and it’s place in my life.

4.       My Mom’s House!  It’s just one of those place people like to be, especially me.  It is warm and cozy and inviting.  It’s the kind of place that people want to sit around and visit, the house kind of wraps it’s self around you like a warm blanket.  As a teenager I could not wait to get out of her house.  I did not appreciate the home my mom made for us. Now as an adult I look forward to spending time at her house, relaxing, visiting, just being in the comfort of the home she has made.

5.       Disney World… I know, I know, it’s the happiest place on earth, of course it is one of my favorite places.  It really is though, a very special place to me.  It was the first real vacation The Hubby and I took together.  It is where he proposed to me for the first time.  It is the first place I ate at a 5 star restaurant or saw Cirque du Soleil perform live.  It is the place my little family has created memories we will have forever.  There is an enchantment about Disney World that I love.  I cannot help but smile and relax while sitting in a giant tea-cup spinning round and round or while riding a boat as pirates sing to me.  I love Disney, I love Disney World… It’s my place.

6.       You know that crook in your arm where a baby’s head fits just right?  Yeah, that place.  It has been empty for years now and most of the time the emptiness is okay, but every so often I miss having a little round head to fill that place.  I miss the moments of peace rocking my babies, their heads resting perfectly in the crook of my arm, their whole lives in front of them.  Someday the place will be filled with the perfectness of my grandchildren, and until then my memories will just have to do.

Sunday Confessions: Satisfied

This week I am once again linking up with More than Cheese and Beer for Sunday Confessions.  This week the prompt is Satisfied.

     I don't know if I will ever be fully satisfied with myself or with my life.  I don't see this as a bad thing though.  To be satisfied, completely satisfied would mean I've reached max potential... I've done it all, seen it all... what kind of life would I have after that.   The lack of full satisfaction is my motivator.  I am always evolving and growing, searching for satisfaction, with myself and with my life.

     To say that I am not fully satisfied with myself or my life does not mean that I am unhappy.  I am happy, I am content... I am just not satisfied.  I know that I can achieve more. I know that I can be better, that I can grow more.  Improvement, growth, change... these are the things I should be embracing at this stage in my life. 
Satisfaction, I believe is only meant to be found at the end of your journey, not the middle.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Day Four - 7 Wants

I've been a little under the weather, so I fell behind a day... but hey, health over all else right!

Everyone has wants... the list is usually long.  Wants are desires, wants are dreams and aspirations.
My list of wants far exceeds the 7 I have chosen to share.  My wants are big and small alike and I think they say a lot about who I am and who I want to be.

7 Wants

1. I want to write novels.  I have so many stories in my head and all I've ever wanted to do is turn those stories into books people would enjoy.

2. I want to spend a year doing a Eat, Pray, Love thing through Europe.  I am fascinated with Europe, with the cultures and histories and food and architecture.  A year probably won't even be enough.

3. I want a quiet cabin in the woods where I can live off the land.  To have a few acres tucked away somewhere in the Montana wilderness is my idea of heaven.

4. I want to own a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, a Prada handbag and a piece of jewelry from Tiffany & Co.  because, well, every girl should have these items.

5. I want to eat at a Gordon Ramsey and a Guy Fieri restaurant.  These are my two favorite celebrity chefs.

6. I want to attend a presidential inauguration. It would not even matter if I voted for that president.  I just want to experience the pomp and circumstance of the ceremony.

7. I want to live a life that when I am gone, the people I left behind will be proud of the legacy that I left behind.  I want to ensure that the people I love will know I loved them and lived in a way to honor them and that I touched lives.

There are so many more things I want to add to this list... perhaps I will need to run this series on an annual bases just to get out all the things I want to share.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Day Three - 8 Fears

Fear is and one of those things I have battled with seemingly always.
Fear is crippling   and controlling.  Fear takes your power from you.

I wish I was fear free... maybe some day I will learn to minimize my fears or eliminate them, but until then...

8 Fears

1. I am seriously claustrophobic.  I fear small spaces, tight spaces and enclosed spaces.  I panic if I can't freely move my limbs.  You don't want to see me on an elevator, or stuck in a super small car and forget port-a-potty's.

2. Like other mothers I am sure, I have a real fear that my children will be harmed in some terrible way.  I don't keep them in a bubble, but my fears creep in when they are not near me.  The chance that something really bad would actually happen is slime I know but I fear that someone or something would hurt them, which would break me in a way I don't think I could recover from.

3. Flying Bugs reduce me to a crying, screaming two year old.  Flies, bumble bees and other small flying bugs I can tolerate (I wont cry), anything bigger than a fly and I crumble.  Grasshoppers, Tree Roaches, Large Mouths and Wasps will invoke tears and panic every time.

4.  I never thought I had a fear of death until one day while driving down the street my mortality seemed to smack me in the face.  Since then I find I truly fear dying.  What would my family do, who would take care of my children, would it hurt to die, where would I go.  Anxiety attacks usually ensue when I get caught up in this fear.

5. It is a completely irrational fear, but I am petrified of construction cranes.  Yes... Construction Cranes, and the taller they are, the more I really can't go ANYWHERE near them.  I do this thing where I try to determine my safe zone - how close I can  get to the crane without it actually falling on me.  I've had this fear since I was a young child.  I don't know where it comes from but it cripples me.  Getting to close to a crane always triggers an anxiety attack.

6. I worry a lot about the future, but I have an intense fear that I will go through life and accomplish nothing.  Yes, my children are miracle and something I will always be able to say I accomplished, and that should be enough... but it's not.  I fear I won't have accomplishments that help define me as anything more than a mom... and I need more.

7. I fear failure above almost anything else.  This is a deep deeded fear that has always been a part of me.  I would rather not do something than fail at it.  Failing is unacceptable, this was the cornerstone of my childhood and what has haunted me through my whole life.

8.  Birds... yep, I have a horrible fear of birds.  That is not to say I don't like birds... my favorite animal is a owl, I think birds are beautiful and enchanting... I just don't really care to actually be anywhere near them.  I won't get out of my car if there is more than one bird around.  I almost vomit if a flock starts flying around me.  If you ever see a grown woman running and screaming because birds are over head... that's me.

When I deal with these fears they are sometimes overwhelming and consume me.  Looking at this list, they don't feel so intimidating... that's got to count for something.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Day Two - 9 Loves

I have love for many things and even a few people.  The world is cold and brutal, love is what gives us warmth and security.

9 Loves

1.     J-Bird, The Boy and T-Dog, my incredible, beautiful perfectly flawed children who are my fuel and my passion. Loving them makes me whole.

2.     The Hubby - who I still find myself madly in love with even after almost 14 years of bliss!

3.     My Mom, Dad, Brothers and Sister - although our relationships have never been perfect, they are my family and my love for them fills my heart daily.

4.     The BFF Boobs! My Friend, My Sister, My Soul-mate. Life changes with the true love of a friend.

5.     Books - Yes - Books. I have had a deep and profound love for books since I was a young girl. I love the smell or books, the feel of books and all that books give us.

6.     A field full of Aspen Trees in the fall as there leave dance like gold coins in the wind. It's a place of m childhood, my teen-hood and my adulthood and it is where my soul can be calm.
7.     A dark room and a good playlist. It is like a reset button for my heart, mind, and soul.

8.     Owls!! I love owls! They make me smile any time I see one. They bring joy to my heart. They are my quan.

9.     Writing - I don't feel I am the writer I want to be yet, but I love putting words together to form thoughts that invoke emotion of some kind to someone, somewhere.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

10 Day Challenge - Day One - 10 Secrets

From time to time I come across a topic or piece a fellow blogger has done that inspires me, or makes me want to do the same type of piece.
The 10 Day Challenge is one of those pieces. I followed Kelly at Debie Hive when she did her 10 Day Challenge back in March and I made a note to do my own 10 Day Challenge at some point...

I've had horrible writers block lately... completely unable to get any thought to translate to written word... so the 10 Day Challenge is really a perfect prompt to get words out right now.

This is the challenge:

It looks so simple, yet sharing so much about myself is not as easy as one would think.

That some point has come...

10 Secrets:

1. I wish every singe day that I could make a living doing the things I love.

2.  I am not the person I want to be, NOT EVEN CLOSE

3. I want to live in the middle of nowhere and live off the land.  I am not a Doomsdayer, just an introvert.

4. I am prepared to survive almost any kind of apocalypse. Again, not a Doomsdayer, just tend to over prepare.

5. I am a diabetic and I don't have health insurance.

6. I wish my kids were nerds... like "Revenge of the Nerds" nerds.

7. I have struggled with addictions my whole life.  Some I have overcome, some I have not, some are silly and some are dangerous.

8. I don't really like people all that much.

9. There are 3 things I wish I had an endless suply of: Yarn, Books and Jellybeans.

10.  There world scares me some days.

Phew... that was not too bad...

Sunday, September 28, 2014


This week I am linking up with More than Cheese and Beer for Sunday Confessions.  This week the prompt is Reach.

We spend our lives reaching...
We reach for someone or something.
We reach for things seen and unseen.
We reach out for love, for friendship, for companionship.
We reach out to those in need, when we are in need, for those we need.
We reach out to be heard, to be seen, to be known.
We reach inward for strength, for words, for motivation.
We reach inward to find ourselves, to find answers, to find initiative, to find hope, to find faith.
We reach to touch, to feel, to comfort, to secure.
We reach to hold, to catch to share.
We reach for things to sooth us, to entertain us, to feed us, to clean us, even to harm us.
We reach for things we want, for things we need, for things we crave and things we long for.
We reach to the heavens in prayer.
We reach for our children to hold.
We reach for lovers in the dark.
We reach moments when we say hello and moments when we must say good-bye.
We reach milestones, achievements, goals.
We reach forks in the road, bumps on the path and final destinations.
We reach decisions, moments, conclusions, assumptions and judgments.
We reach moments we never want to end and moments that reach us in profound and life changing ways.
We reach for people, we reach for substance, we reach for all we require, for all we long for, for all we desire, strive for, posses and consume.  
We spend our lives reaching.