Sunday, December 7, 2014

Nothing Good Ever Came From Feelings

It's been a really long week that has forced me to feel more emotions then I ever really care to feel.

I hate feeling, it is why I became a drug addict at 14 and why I stayed a drug addict for more than 10 years. I try to avoid the whole feeling thing whenever possible.  I don't do drugs anymore to avoid feelings, now I just stuff them deep down inside and try to ignore them as much as I possibly can.

I don't do emotions very well, they seem to consume and over power me. They invade me, taking over all normal rational thought.  Emotions also tend to hurt, man do they hurt usually and I cannot be alone in the whole, I really don't like to hurt thing.  It is better for me to just try and not feel any emotions.... there is just one problem...
I don't want to feel, but I do, I feel everything it seems and then I fall victim to my emotions and I become this mess of feelings and tears and nerves and my thoughts get ugly and distorted and I can't get away from the feelings and I just want to hide until the emotions can be drowned somehow, hence why I try not to feel.

It sucks to hate feeling... it makes getting through everyday life really difficult some times.  Trying not to feel because feelings suck and having a life that creates feelings, because, well, I am freaking human, it all creates this constant battle in my head and my heart.  It is exhausting to not feel, it exhausting to feel. Emotions, felt or avoided just drain life out of me it seems.  Maybe I am broken, maybe I don't feel right, maybe I don't process emotions like a normal person would and that is why I try to avoid feeling at all costs.

It's a week like this that I remember why for years I choose drugs over feeling, why I ran from life instead of feeling, why I shut my heart off to people.  I have tried so hard this week to not let emotions control me, to not feel the overwhelming emotions that the events of the week have been trying to shove down my throat.  I have tried using my avoidance tactics, I have tried to deny that I have had feelings at all this week, that I have been emotional at all this week... and I have failed.  I am a bumbling, sobbing mess of tears and snot right now, as I write this, feeling everything, being invaded by all the emotions that I don't want to feel, I am crumbling under the weight of emotions I would rather be denying, that I have been denying.
I hate feeling, I hate having feelings, and I hate dealing with feelings. Nothing good ever came from feelings. I hate emotions and the roller coaster that I always seem to be on whey I let emotions in.

I am so very tired, feeling often does that to me, weakens me to my core.  I am going to shove all these emotions I have back into the depths of myself, out of the way, where I can't feel them for now, because I am tired and I am done feeling.  I hate feeling and I don't want to do it anymore right now.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014


I feel like I am in a very stuck place. 

It's not like "quick sand stuck" because I don't feel like I am sinking while stuck, just stuck... like stepped in tar or concrete stuck. 

I am not moving, I am not growing, and I am not progressing.  Nothing in my life is changing or evolving... I am stuck.  

I am a person who thrives on change, who loves growth and progress and this feeling of stuck is paralyzing for me.  I don't feel like I know how to get unstuck either.  I don't know what has me stuck, so I don't even know where to start.  My whole life seems to be the glue that is holding me in this place, this, stuck in mud up to my neck place.  I can't just quit my life to get unstuck though.  

I need things to change, I need my world to start spinning differently.  I need this concrete jackhammered away.  I need a tow truck to pull me out.  Something... I don't want to be stuck.

Monday, November 17, 2014

30 Days of Thankful - Day 18

I know you are asking your self where are days 5-17... I have them, in my head, and for now that is where they will stay... life, and some darkness got in the way and I was not able to write like I wanted to... it happens and I just need to move on and start from where I can...

November 18 2014: Day 18

Today I am thankful for my Best Friend.  It’s been some 16 years now since she entered my life and I don’t know how I managed through life before her.

Boobs (I promise, she is cool with the code name!) is the kind of person people are drawn too.  She just has this presents about her that makes her welcoming and safe.  Her beauty is not just skin deep.  She is a beautiful person inside and out and it radiates from her.  She is the person who is always there for the people she cares about, regardless of what she has going on in her own life.  She truly is “that” friend, you know… “That” friend who always has time for you, who always attends your events, invites you to coffee, sends you Christmas cards, will watch your kids in a pinch, will help you move, whatever you need… and never expects anything in return.

I love her more than I had ever thought possible for a friendship.  She is actually more a sister to me than a friend at this point.  There have been years when I have been estranged from my own family, that she was all the family I had.  She has loved and cared form my kids like they were her own and she has built a friendship with my husband that is theirs separate from me.  The running joke actually is that I married the male version of her.  Boobs and The Hubby truly are very much alike, having similar opinions and views on life.  It is kind of crazy to have a best friend and a husband who have at times essentially shared the same brain… but that is for a different post!!

Life is always a little better when your best friend is also your favorite drinking buddy, shopping friend, concert companion, coffee date, work-out partner and therapist.  She is My Person!

Having her at my side all these years has made me a stronger person.  She has held me up when I have not been able to hold myself up.  She has prayed with me when I have lost my faith.  She has wiped tears from my eyes when my heart break has consume me, and she has held my hand to remind me I am not alone.  She has always been there, no matter what, never being anything but the best friend possible.  She has supported me during ever moment of our friendship, even when her own life has presented struggles and difficulties.

She wears her strength in the form of a smile.  She weathers storms some times in silence, determined to figure it out on her own.  I am often in awe of how she manages to keep it all together, if only in appearance, when I know the struggles she is facing.  I know that behind close doors, when she is alone, she breaks down, she feels the feelings she tries to keep at bay.  She is a warrior, a fighter, a battle scared soul who is determined to make her life what she wants it to be, to raise children she is proud of and to live a life that she is proud of and through it all, she remains the friend that is always there... for any of her friends who needs her.

I am so blessed and thankful to have such a remarkable person in my life, as my person.  I am better because of her and with her and my love for her is limitless.  At the end of my journey, when my story is told, she will be the person to tell it, having known every secret, every story, every moment, because we are after all just two fish bowls swimming in a fish bowl (don’t worry, I know the actual lyrics… boobs get’s it!).

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Sunday Confessions: Quick

I love when I link up with More than Cheese and Beer for Sunday Confessions... Today's prompt... QUICK!!

The thing is, life goes by really quick.  One minute you are waiting to grow up, waiting to be on your own, free to make your own choices and carve your own path and the next minute half your life has gone by and you feel like you have not managed to do anything, to see anything, to become anything.  We all rush and rush and try to squeeze in as much as we can as quickly as we can, and we are so busy rushing and pushing and shoving to get it all done that we pay no attention to the life that is zipping past us.  With all the quick lanes and quick fixes we still manage to miss what it is that we are in such a rush to get to.  Time ticks away, not matter the speed you are going, if you are going to quick, you might miss what it is you want to actually see... it is okay to slow down, enjoy your moments, savior your time.   It's not about how quick you get to the finish line, but how much of your time you enjoyed while getting to the finish line.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

30 Days of Thankful - Day Four

There will come a day when I am totally current on this... my goal is by the end of the weekend... wish me luck!!

November 4 2014 : Day 4
Today I am thankful for sleepovers!!  Let me explain…
When we moved from Colorado to Texas we left behind all of the friends the kids had ever known.  Since our move to Texas we have moved several times – each time the kids have had to change schools.  This has not helped the kids develop close friendships.  This is a heartbreaking fact for me.  I moved a lot as a kid and I know how hard it is to go through childhood without close friends.

We've been in our current house for a year and a half and the kids have made some really good friends.  They are attending birthday parties and going to friend’s house after school.  They are going to the park with friends and sharing moments.  They are finally getting a change to build new friendships.

So… The other day T-Dog (my darling 9 year old daughter) came home and said her friend wanted her to have a sleepover… although not her first sleepover, it was the first non-birthday related sleep over invite.  This was a big deal in her world and I am so thankful for it.

For T-Dog to finally be making close friendships and for those friend to want her to come hangout at their house… it’s special.

Sleepovers are bonding moments for girls.  A time to share secrets and play make believe and create those memories that last forever.

T-Dog has been so excited since I said she could go… her sleepover is not even until Friday night and yet she has already packed her bag and gotten all prepared to go.  A sleepover has ignited a spark in my already sparkling child… she is shining brighter than ever and for this I find it hard not to be thankful for sleepovers!!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

30 Days of Thankful - Day Three

Really, I am not this much of a slacker... there have been forces working against me the last few days, but don't fret, I will be all caught up before you know it!!

November 3rd, 2014: Day 3

Today I am thankful for my mom!!
I have not always known how to be thankful for her.
Our relationship has never really been easy, even as a child there was a struggle present between the two of us.
I spent a lot of my time being resentful and hurtful towards my mom.  I spent years blaming her for every little thing wrong with my life, for every bad decision I made, every bump in the road.  Blaming my mom was easier than owning my own crap.  My anger toward her was so misguided, but I refused to see that, or understand that.
My mom and I spent 6 years not speaking to one another. I know my mom had her reasons and I had mine, for the silence... but that was a very difficult time in my life.  It was during this time that I learned how twisted my feelings toward my mom were.  How wrong I was to blame her for things she had no part of, of had no control over.  I grew up a lot in those 6 years we had no contact.  I learned things about myself, about parenting, about relationships and forgiveness.
My mom and I made peace several years back and having her in my life once again has been such a blessing.  We will never have a perfect relationship, it is just not in our stars... but we have a relationship, and I get now how lucky I am for that.
I am thankful we have managed to find a way to be in each other’s lives, to find mutual respect and genuine love for one another.
My mom is an amazing person to me.  I am in awe of what she has done, what she has overcome.  I look to her now for inspiration, for motivation and even guidance.   We are polar opposites in so many ways and yet so much alike in others.

I am thankful that I have this second change to know my mom, with all the complications and history that comes with her.  Our second chance is not lost on me.  I am so thankful I have her to wade through this part of my life with her as a guide and a supporter.  I missed her so much when we were estranged, it was heartbreaking to feel like I didn't have a mother.  So yes, today I am thankful for my mom!!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

30 Days of Thankful - Day Two

November 2nd, 2014 : Day Two

Today I find myself immensely thankful for the patience I have been instilled with.
The world around me seems to be in a seemingly constant state of "Hurry-Up".  There is a chaotic feel about life.  As a mother and wife I feel like I spend most of my time waiting on someone or something.  If I lacked patience (and admittedly some days I do) this state of "waiting" would be enough to drive me mad.
Like most people, I enjoy instant gratification, I want what I want, when I want it... but my life does not always allow this... again, I must play the waiting game.  Again, My patience plays a role in keeping me sane (relatively speaking) as life works it's self out.

There are days, moments really when chaos is at it's peak and I forget I have patience and I try to speed the world up... it never ends well, when I rush, when I push and shove and go against my patient nature.  there is usually screaming and yelling and lots of tears.  I don't feel like myself.  I don't feel as though I have any control and I want to hide from the world.  My patience keeps me grounded, and calm.  I don't like to override my patience... I always come away feeling and  looking like a crazed bitch... not a good look on me.  Patience gets me through... through the really long days of school and work and girls scouts and leadership corp and cooking and cleaning and "mom I need this" and "mom I need that" and all the other craziness that is my day.  It get's me through my really rough days  when I have health issues and anxiety and loads of emotional turmoil and sadness.  It gets me through my fun days and normal days and all the in-between days.

I am thankful and grateful to have been blessed with patience... as a tool, as a weapon, as a life line, as the same, quiet, calm part of me!

Please feel free to share with me what you are Thankful for... leave a comment or a link in the comments where we can find your thoughts!