Back in the Saddle

I know... I have been away for a long while...
I've been writing, just not here...
I started another blog, The Cave and that has been where I have been spending most of my time as of late.  
But I am back and I am going to be working on writing here a little more, about more current event topics, and family stuff and leave the The Cave for some of my more emotional stuff, more of my more crafty (writing is a craft) stuff and more of my more dark, difficult stuff. 

It is what the intention always was when starting The Cave, but then I found myself there, writing more than I thought I was going to.  
Right now I am doing my 30 Days of Thankful over at the Cave... they for the most part short pieces, but full of some real thoughtfulness on my part about the things I really am thankful for in this life.

I feel like I am really coming into my own as a writer.  Sure, I still have a lot of growing to do, but I have a new found confidence in the idea that I can actually write, and this new confidence is really motivating me and driving me to put together pieces full of my voice, full of me!

I really am looking forward to sharing more with all of you and building up The Nest (as it will be known going forward) and The Cave and really sharing who I am and the kind of writer I am with everyone!!!

Today We Remember

There are moments you never forget.
There are days that remain in your memory long after others begin to fade.

Today is one of those days... for me... for the multitude of others that were touched by the events of this day, a day that seems like another life time ago.

It's been 16 years now... since the peace and innocence of what I thought my home state had was shattered by the sounds of shots being fired in a school.

April 20 1999 has meaning to so many of us.  As a native of Colorado, this is a day that haunts me.
I remember everything about this day.  I remember where I was when I first heard the news that there was a shooting happening... in a school.  I remember the panic and fear I felt that I could know someone in harms way.  I remember feeling a sadness I had never felt before, as a first time mom who had to face the cruelty of the world while holding my precious little girl.

I had never known what it meant to feel the world stand still until April 20 1999.  As I watched those children, not much younger than myself flee a place that was suppose to be safe, it felt as though life had just stopped in place.  It felt impossible to take myself away from the news coverage as the story was unfolding.  I found myself crying along with the parents of the children still missing, still unaccounted for. It  felt impossible that any of what I was seeing, what I was feeling could possibly be real.

I was not naive to the reality of the world before Columbine... but the reality of the world had never been in my back yard.  There I was watching swat teams swarm a school I had actually visited once, clearing children from halls that were suppose to hold promise and security.  It was impossible for me to not hate the world in those moments.  It was impossible for me to not wish I could deny what was happening and feel safe again.

In the years since that tragic day of course I've learned harder lessons and seen greater evil then anyone could have imagine possible.  No one could have ever thought 16 years ago as two trench coat clad, gun carrying teens struck fear in the hearts of so many that events like 9/11, Sandy Hook and even the Aurora Theater Shootings and The Boston Marathon Bombing where actually in our futures.  Columbine was only second to the Oklahoma City bombing for tragedies to occur in my short adult life.  I had known peace as a child.  Things happened in other countries, in other states, in other towns.  My world, my state... it was safe.  It was a place where kids went to school without fear.

Today I send my children to school... one to high school, one to middle school and one to elementary school and I know as I send them off that at any given moment the safety I pretend is there, for my own piece of mind could be shattered.  16 years ago, as I held my little girl, just a little over a year old in my lap and cried as I watched parents fear the worst about their children's fate... I had never feared the idea of sending her to school.  I had never feared that school would not be anything but joyful and adventures for her.  That was taken from me, of course, by two boys, who knew nothing of what damage they really inflicted on the world with their actions.

Today so many of us remember, like it was yesterday... and feel the emotions of this day, like it was yesterday.  Today families grieve for the children taken far to soon, for the innocence lost, for the paths that were altered and the memories stolen.
Today I vow, as I do every year to not forget, to never forget.  Today I vow to teach my children about this tragedy and how their actions effect others. Today I vow to do my part to do what it takes so that this nation never has to feel the pain felt 16 years ago when the world stood still.

Let's just call this what it is... a baby step

I have not written in months... 

Not from a lack of trying... 

Because I have started over a dozen pieces... 

And they are all still just sitting there, half written carcasses of emotions and thoughts.

I can blame life for the lack of time to write, it is my normal excuse. 

I would not be putting blame in the right place though.  

I am writing, I am just not completing... 

For all kinds of reasons really...

My fear

My anxiety

My unwillingness to feel exposed and vulnerable.  

I need to get over it... 

I need to stop holding myself back as a writer.

I need to fight through my fear and self-doubt and let the world see what I am actually capable of.

I need to get over myself and allow my words to speak for themselves

I need to let go of the judgment and criticism I have created in my head and let my audience form their own opinions.

I always seem to find motivation when I ramp myself up... so I will let this be what it needs to be, a baby step in the process.

The Teeter-Totter Lesson

Remember when you were a kid and you and your friends would try to get the teeter-totter to balance perfectly even by putting even amounts of weight on each side?  Who knew that seeming innocent playground activity was actually teaching all of us the difficulty in finding balance in our lives.

You would think that at this point in my life I would have a better grasp of how to balance it all… yet I struggle – every day – with finding balance in my life.  It is not just the balance between work and family either.  There is this ever present struggle to find a balance between all aspects of my world.  To find balance between the needs of those I find myself charged with and my own personal needs.  To find balance between my obligations as a mother and my obligations as a wife.  There is a regular struggle to find a balance between doing what it is I need to do for my family and doing what it is I want to do to achieve dreams and personal goals.

My life is a teeter-totter and I am continuously struggling to prioritize in such a way, in all aspects of my world, to get that perfect even balance.

When I was a much younger woman, I figured by the time I had reached this stage in my life, I would be a pro at the balancing act.  I was of course naive enough to believe it all got easier as you went along.  

Now as the sun is setting on my 30’s, I often find myself completely out of balance and wondering what, if anything would balance actually achieve.  Is finding balance really a resolution to the constant chaos I feel my world is in?  Will balance bring me peace?  Will balance give me more time? Will balance bring with it a sense of completeness? 

Instinct tells me balance is important, that it will indeed bring me peace and give me more time and will allow me to enjoy a completeness about my life… but I can’t know that for certain.

I have no personal reference to draw from when it comes to finding balance.  I don’t know anyone who has got the whole balance act down.  

To me, balance in life is as elusive as Big Foot or the Lock nest Monster.  People talk about it, people spend their whole lives searching for it… but does anyone ever achieve it?  Sure, some claim too, but people also claim to have found Big Foot or seen the Lost City of Atlantis.

I have had glimpses of balance of course… moments where I was sure I had managed to put equal weight on each side of the teeter-totter… those moments unfortunately where just that – moments – never lasting long enough to gain any real experience from, and never encompassing all aspects of my life, just portions of my world I was sure I had gained some control of.

There is some hope that as I move into my 40’s, I will continue to gain knowledge and perspective and slowly even the scales, slowly place the right pieces on each side of the teeter-totter and discover the elusive balance I search for.  I would like balance in my life and I think my life would like having balance.

Turn that Frown Upside Down!!

I was in a real sour mood all day yesterday, nothing was going the way that I wanted it to go. I was feeling as though I might suffocate from all the negativity that was around me. 

So instead of focusing on all the negative I seemed to be swimming in, I chose to focus on finding some positive!

Sometimes finding positive can be really hard when even the air you breathe seems to be full of negative. 

Searching for positive can be like walking against the current of a fast moving river. 

It takes work to find the positive that will change the energy around you.  

Well yesterday when I was trying to find positive things to focus on the song “My Favorite Things” from the Sound Of Music kept popping into my head.  It was as though the universe was pointing in me the direction that I should be heading, to find the positive I needed.

I think sometimes we (or maybe just me) forget about the little things that make us smile or warms our heart. Our favorite little things that can make a frown turn upside down by their mere existence. 

Favorite things are all those positive little things that keep the joy in our hearts, even on sour days when negative seems to be everywhere… if we just remember to look for them.  I decided to take a minute and make a list, a reminder list of some of my favorite things, as a way to drowned myself in positive… and it worked, I was in such a better mood after I wrote this list!!  So I am going to share my list… to spread the happy positive thoughts I created!!

Here are some of My Favorite Things

·         The smell of fresh cut flowers or fresh cut grass

·         Strawberry Banana Shakes from Steak’n’Shake

·         The teeny tiny cuteness of baby feet

·         Towels fresh out of the dryer, soft and fluffy

·         Christmas Morning

·         The Denver Bronco’s (Forever Blue and Orange)

·         Snow Capped Mountains

·         Pumpkin Patches

·         A good strong cup of coffee

·         A field of Sunflowers in full bloom on a summer morning

·         The sound of kids laughing

·         Falling asleep next to my husband

·         Justin Timberlake (either singing or acting)

·         Watching Pitch Perfect (can’t help it, it is joy to me)

·         A tall glass of Ice Tea with fresh lemon

·         Pear and Grapefruit flavored Jelly Belly’s

·         Watching Fireworks

·         Reading a good book in a comfy chair

·         Fresh squeezed Lemonade

·         Coffee date with Boobs (that’s my BFF!!)

·         Grape Jolly Ranchers

·         Soft cushy slippers

·         Hot bubble baths

·         Owls

·         Shoes of all kinds

·         Snuggling with my kids

·         Almond Joy candy bars

·         My Mom’s Carrot Cake

·         A warm oversized hoodie on a cool fall evening

·         UGGS

·         Tea Cup Pigs

·         Kittens

·         Camp Fires

·         Rainy Fall Days in my hometown

·         When the Aspens start to change

·         Strawberries

·         Going to a Colorado Rockies Baseball Game

·         A night out with my friends

·         Playing shuffle board

·         Hot Apple Cider and Cinnamon Whisky

·         Going to a concert (any music will do)

·         Disney World

·         Marathons of my favorite TV Shows

·         Homemade Guacamole

·         Anthony Bourdain

·         Vail Colorado in the Summer time

·         Family dinners

·         Effarins Chicken Chimichanga with salad

·         Fighter Jets (YES, REALLY)

·         Erie’s Homecoming Parade

·         Yarn (balls and balls of yarn)

·         A sweet potato with caramel sauce and marshmallows from Texas Road House

·         Taking pictures

·         A new purse or handbag

·         Library’s

·         A cozy corner in a book store

·         Taking my kids to a book store

·         Shopping with my daughters

·         Tulips and Daisy’s together

·         Dancing while cleaning the house

·         The way I feel after I get a mani/pedi

·         Watching the Olympics

·         The smell of fresh rain

·         Friday Night Football Games

·         Shopping, any kind of shopping

·         Craft Shows

It is amazing how much better I felt after writing this list… and I felt like I could keep listing things. 

You never realize the kind of things that make you happy, bring joy and positive energy to you, and until you sit down to make a list! 

All that negative I was feeling yesterday just melted away with each favorite thing I wrote down. 

It was such a great feeling to all but demolish all the negative I was chained to and find the positive energy I needed to have a better day!

Regret

I feel as though I've lived several lifetimes, all within this one life.  Each has had its own ups and downs, its own story lines, its own characters. Each one of these life times have taught me its own set of lessons, given me its own set of memories and its own unique experiences.

Each life time has also come with its own potential regrets.  I use the word potential because truth to told... 

I have no regrets.  Are there things to regret?  Yes, of course there... let me explain...

Each step I've taken, each choice I've made, each direction I've turned has led me to the place I am at today.  My life is not perfect, there is still plenty of work to be done... but I like who I have become so far and this in-progress journey has given me my children, my husband the flawed but powerful and beautiful relationship we have. 

The paths I have followed, the life times I have lived this far, they have taught me and molded me.  I know that I have not always made the right choices.  I have reacted to life in immature and irrational ways far too often.

I've walked the wrong paths.  I've denied myself choices that seemed selfish but could have been empowering.  I have lied to advance myself.  

There are far more things I could regret than I care to admit... but I chose not to harbor regret.  It is not that I don't feel bad about my poor behavior or amiss decisions.  

I have spent years working on finding forgiveness for myself and understanding that the past can't be changed, regret changes nothing.

Regret weighs on a heart.  Regret weighs on a soul.  

Regret leaves a person tethered to an unchangeable past.

I cannot change my past.  I don't have the ability to alter choices already made.  Regretting the choices made only keeps me in a past that was unhealthy and destructive and only breeds harm and despair.  

Regret is a prison to me, a constant reminder of failures and faults that con not be altered and I refuse to be a prisoner to things I cannot change.

So instead of regretting all there is to regret... I forgive and let go.  This is my choice, a choice I am confident and secure with, a choice that allows me to say I have no regrets... and know it is the truth.

Substance is Coming

I currently have 4 different pieces that I am writing... and yet I have nothing ready to post tonight... 

Go figure.  

Its okay thought, right?!?!

I mean, I am writing, I am working on putting together pieces with substance and girth and not just random ramblings from my mind to feed my desire to post to my blog on a daily bases.

I want substance.

I want to share cohesive thoughts.

I want to write pieces that people actually want to read.

I want to draw people to my blog.

I want to share real emotions.

I want to share real thoughts, real opinions.

It is not enough anymore for me to just write something every day... no I need to write real pieces every day.  

I need to actually write an "article" (because I don't know what else to call it) and not just put a bunch of words together and hope it makes enough sense for people to want to read it. 

I have far too many opinions, far too many stories and issues that stir emotion in me to not write things full of all that I have to offer.

So tonight is the last night I write some random ramblings... tomorrow I give you substance!

Because I did not know what else to write... Random Thoughts

I was not going to write tonight.  I was just going to take the night off and go to bed and work on a piece with some substance for tomorrow.  I tried to lay down and go to sleep.  It did not work.  I was laying here and all I could think about was how I did not write something today and I told myself I would write every day.  So here I am... So... some random thoughts...

1. It is going to drop below 30 degrees here... that might not be cold for the rest of the country, but I live in south Texas... that is cold.  It is the kind of cold that has been the main topic on the news for days and will probably lead to extended news coverage troughout the day tomorrow.  Growing up in Colorado I have felt -30 degree weather... I know cold... but I live in south Texas... were it does not get cold, so when they start talking about hard freezes... I pay attention.

2. The Hubby came home from soccer practice SOAR.  He needed T-Dog to help him get out of the car.  I am so proud that he is doing something new and good for him... he is however figuring out fast that he is not 20 something anymore, that his 30 something body is not what it used to be and does not move like it used to.  I love my middle aged, slightly overweight husband and the effort he is putting forth to do something good for himself. I should use him as motivation.

3. I am saddened by the news of the terrorist attack in Paris France today.  I hate that we live in a world where people are targeted because they share their opinions.  It is a sad, sad fact that you don't know where you are safe anymore.  I hate terrorist, don't they get that they are a bunch of hypocritical fools who attack innocent people for having the same freedom of belief as they do.  I don't understand the radical thinking of terrorist, no matter what God/Leader they follow.

4. I need a life.  Really... all I have been doing lately is eating and watching Netflix.  I need to get out of the house, I need to get more active again... I need a manicure.  I need a friend I can go have coffee with.  I need to join a book club or a crochet club.  My lack of social interaction outside of my home is starting to wear on me.  I miss having friends (they all still live in Colorado).  I need a job outside of my house.  I need a life.

Okay... I think I have gotten my writing for the day out of me and now I can go to bed!!

The Hubby is currently lying in bed with an athletic cup on

This is an Athletic Cup and underwear

The Hubby is currently lying in bed with an athletic cup on... 

Yep, you read that right... Yes folks, this is my marriage!

I find it humorous really. 

The Hubby is taking up playing indoor soccer with a bunch of guys from work, something he has never done before and they have made him the goalie... so he feels he needs an athletic cup... Got to protect the manhood at all costs. I am laying here watching him slapping and knocking on his protective gear.  

I cannot help but giggle... all be it a little annoyed that he is finding a piece of plastic so entertaining... but there is joy in the fact that I am married to a man who has humor.

The Hubby's sense of humor is one of the sexiest things about him.  

His humor brings a level of youth to our marriage that is refreshing and fun and I love it.  

His humor, although very often totally inappropriate is the light in my day some times.  

He always seems to know just when I need to laugh and relax and well... comes to bed with an athletic cup on.

It is easy to love a man who makes me laugh every day, who knows just when a joke will make the world brighter and who can relax and enjoy himself even after a day of work and all the stresses of life.

It is this sense of humor, this joy that radiates from him in the form of jokes and goofy behavior that has made the last 15 years seem like a blip in time and makes me so thankful, so very grateful that he is my partner in this life.

I might be lying in bed next to a man who is absolutely enthralled with his athletic cup... but I am totally okay with that,  because I think he is the most charming and funny man alive.

I Have A Reason for My Resolution

There are actual reasons for why I made one of my New Year’s Resolutions to write something on my Blog every day. 

 I know, can you imagine, actual reasons for a resolution!

Writing is important to me... it is the outlet for the voices that are a constant in my head.  I make myself sound down right nuts... I am not. The voices are not those of a crazy person... just a person with a lot of thoughts, and an abundance of anxiety and maybe even a soul's worth of wisdom.

  

Writing is my way of getting my voices heard... and to maybe, just maybe finally work through emotions and feelings that I have spent a life time trying to avoid.  I don't do feelings, I have even wrote about how much I rather hate feeling things.  It is not healthy to not feel, I know this... I have thousands of dollars’ worth of therapy sessions to show for how much I know about avoidance and emotions.

I have to let out what I feel.  I cannot go through my life any longer refusing to deal with emotions, refusing to deal with feelings and issues that bring up emotions and feelings.  

So if I have to start to feel, then I need to write... writing helps me feel.  So if I need to write to deal with the feelings... what better resolution than to say I am going to post something to my blog every day.  This puts me in a place where I have to find something to write about... and as I write, feelings start to come out and I start to deal with things.  

My often irrational brain is always looking for the rational reason for doing everything that I do.  I have to put a rational thought behind feeling, since I really don't like to feel and don't often do it willingly.  I love to write, I feel free when I write, writing is safe for me, so my irrational brain gets that writing is a safe way for me to let feelings out.

It's not easy to feel for me... I am great at avoiding it.  It is not easy for me to commit to writing every day, I've tried before and failed.  This is truly a challenge for me, to take the time to put thoughts into words that make sense and open myself up to feelings... everyday.  I may fail... I may only last a week, or a month... I don't want to fail though.  

Being a writer is my dream and the only way I can really become a writer is to write and let others read it.  My best source of content is from within, you know all those feelings I try to avoid.  It is time to marry the two and start to achieve this goal to become a writer... all while getting these feelings and emotions I keep bottled up out.

  

See, I totally have a reason for this New Year’s Resolution.

Shhh... I am Hiding

I am hiding from the world right now.  I know, how dare I shut my bedroom door and pretend that I am alone in the world.  In fairness The Hubby is actually hiding with me, but he is asleep so I am not sure how much he actually counts.

It is the second to last day of Winter break and I have had enough of kids and fighting and people to last me until at least Spring Break at this point.

Hiding from the world from time to time is not a bad thing... not to me... it is more of a necessary thing.  I have to do what I can to protect what little sanity I have left. 

It's nothing personal, I still love my kids and my family... I just need to hide, to not be a part of things, to just for a time be in my own space with nothing to do, no one to answer to, no part of the noise that is my house.  It might be unfair of me to hide like this, it might seem as I don't care or don't want to be a part of things.  None of that is true of course.  I think I earn the right to hide from time to time.

Everyone has the right to hide from time to time.  If we cannot turn off, if we cannot step back and just breathe for a time... how does anyone expect for anyone to stay sane.

I am only going to hide for a few more minutes... I never hide for long... just long enough to take a few breaths, find some balance and prepare for whatever the rest of the day will bring me.

Today is a Special Day

Happy Birthday to The Boy

Today is a special day...

Today my baby boy becomes a teenager.

I knew  this day would come, and yet I feel so ill prepared for it.

My Boy, The Boy is a great boy, sweet and kind.  He is loving and tender and full of humor and joy. My life is better because he is in it, my life is fuller because he is in it, and my life is complete because he is in it.

We go forward today, at the start of a new year, taking on this new challenge as parent and teenager. 

I don't know how this journey will go, if it will be swift and kind or long and testing.  I just know that I look forward to the journey, with this boy, who is no longer a child, yet not quit a man. 

I have no idea how to be the mother to a teenage boy, but I had no idea how to be a mother to a boy at all when he arrived 13 years ago, and we have made it this far with no scares, no bruises, only smiles and love.  We will make our way on this path as we always do, together, as best we can, learning and growing. 

Each of my children bring me something different, The Boy, he brings me light and balance.  He reminds me that life is not all pink and fluffy, that girls are not the rulers of the roost alone.  He is the son my husband deserves and the little boy I will love and treasure for all the days of my life.

Today is a special day...

Today my son takes another step toward manhood.

It's a New Year!

Happy 2015! 

I can not say I am sad to see 2014 come to an end.  It was a long and mostly trying year from me. There were more low points then high points and I came through the year scared and pretty defeated.  I am standing though, weary and tested, but ready to take on this new year as a fresh start.  

There are some goals I am setting for this year, important goals, that I am determined to achieve.  

I have real clarity with the start of this new year and I am going to take advantage of that clarity to get things on track, to really hunker down and start achieving the dreams, desires and goals I have had for myself for a long time now. 

I don't know what this year holds for me, but I am going to live each day as the gift it is and own it as best I can.  I hope for better than the year past and pray that this year I find the peace, stability and sanity I seek.