Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Day Three - 8 Fears

Fear is and one of those things I have battled with seemingly always.
Fear is crippling   and controlling.  Fear takes your power from you.

I wish I was fear free... maybe some day I will learn to minimize my fears or eliminate them, but until then...

8 Fears

1. I am seriously claustrophobic.  I fear small spaces, tight spaces and enclosed spaces.  I panic if I can't freely move my limbs.  You don't want to see me on an elevator, or stuck in a super small car and forget port-a-potty's.

2. Like other mothers I am sure, I have a real fear that my children will be harmed in some terrible way.  I don't keep them in a bubble, but my fears creep in when they are not near me.  The chance that something really bad would actually happen is slime I know but I fear that someone or something would hurt them, which would break me in a way I don't think I could recover from.

3. Flying Bugs reduce me to a crying, screaming two year old.  Flies, bumble bees and other small flying bugs I can tolerate (I wont cry), anything bigger than a fly and I crumble.  Grasshoppers, Tree Roaches, Large Mouths and Wasps will invoke tears and panic every time.

4.  I never thought I had a fear of death until one day while driving down the street my mortality seemed to smack me in the face.  Since then I find I truly fear dying.  What would my family do, who would take care of my children, would it hurt to die, where would I go.  Anxiety attacks usually ensue when I get caught up in this fear.

5. It is a completely irrational fear, but I am petrified of construction cranes.  Yes... Construction Cranes, and the taller they are, the more I really can't go ANYWHERE near them.  I do this thing where I try to determine my safe zone - how close I can  get to the crane without it actually falling on me.  I've had this fear since I was a young child.  I don't know where it comes from but it cripples me.  Getting to close to a crane always triggers an anxiety attack.

6. I worry a lot about the future, but I have an intense fear that I will go through life and accomplish nothing.  Yes, my children are miracle and something I will always be able to say I accomplished, and that should be enough... but it's not.  I fear I won't have accomplishments that help define me as anything more than a mom... and I need more.

7. I fear failure above almost anything else.  This is a deep deeded fear that has always been a part of me.  I would rather not do something than fail at it.  Failing is unacceptable, this was the cornerstone of my childhood and what has haunted me through my whole life.

8.  Birds... yep, I have a horrible fear of birds.  That is not to say I don't like birds... my favorite animal is a owl, I think birds are beautiful and enchanting... I just don't really care to actually be anywhere near them.  I won't get out of my car if there is more than one bird around.  I almost vomit if a flock starts flying around me.  If you ever see a grown woman running and screaming because birds are over head... that's me.

When I deal with these fears they are sometimes overwhelming and consume me.  Looking at this list, they don't feel so intimidating... that's got to count for something.

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