It's been a really long week that has forced me to feel more emotions then I ever really care to feel.
I hate feeling, it is why I became a drug addict at 14 and why I stayed a drug addict for more than 10 years. I try to avoid the whole feeling thing whenever possible. I don't do drugs anymore to avoid feelings, now I just stuff them deep down inside and try to ignore them as much as I possibly can.
I don't do emotions very well, they seem to consume and over power me. They invade me, taking over all normal rational thought. Emotions also tend to hurt, man do they hurt usually and I cannot be alone in the whole, I really don't like to hurt thing. It is better for me to just try and not feel any emotions.... there is just one problem...
I don't want to feel, but I do, I feel everything it seems and then I fall victim to my emotions and I become this mess of feelings and tears and nerves and my thoughts get ugly and distorted and I can't get away from the feelings and I just want to hide until the emotions can be drowned somehow, hence why I try not to feel.
It sucks to hate feeling... it makes getting through everyday life really difficult some times. Trying not to feel because feelings suck and having a life that creates feelings, because, well, I am freaking human, it all creates this constant battle in my head and my heart. It is exhausting to not feel, it exhausting to feel. Emotions, felt or avoided just drain life out of me it seems. Maybe I am broken, maybe I don't feel right, maybe I don't process emotions like a normal person would and that is why I try to avoid feeling at all costs.
It's a week like this that I remember why for years I choose drugs over feeling, why I ran from life instead of feeling, why I shut my heart off to people. I have tried so hard this week to not let emotions control me, to not feel the overwhelming emotions that the events of the week have been trying to shove down my throat. I have tried using my avoidance tactics, I have tried to deny that I have had feelings at all this week, that I have been emotional at all this week... and I have failed. I am a bumbling, sobbing mess of tears and snot right now, as I write this, feeling everything, being invaded by all the emotions that I don't want to feel, I am crumbling under the weight of emotions I would rather be denying, that I have been denying.
I hate feeling, I hate having feelings, and I hate dealing with feelings. Nothing good ever came from feelings. I hate emotions and the roller coaster that I always seem to be on whey I let emotions in.
I am so very tired, feeling often does that to me, weakens me to my core. I am going to shove all these emotions I have back into the depths of myself, out of the way, where I can't feel them for now, because I am tired and I am done feeling. I hate feeling and I don't want to do it anymore right now.