Substance is Coming

I currently have 4 different pieces that I am writing... and yet I have nothing ready to post tonight... 

Go figure.  

Its okay thought, right?!?!

I mean, I am writing, I am working on putting together pieces with substance and girth and not just random ramblings from my mind to feed my desire to post to my blog on a daily bases.

I want substance.

I want to share cohesive thoughts.

I want to write pieces that people actually want to read.

I want to draw people to my blog.

I want to share real emotions.

I want to share real thoughts, real opinions.

It is not enough anymore for me to just write something every day... no I need to write real pieces every day.  

I need to actually write an "article" (because I don't know what else to call it) and not just put a bunch of words together and hope it makes enough sense for people to want to read it. 

I have far too many opinions, far too many stories and issues that stir emotion in me to not write things full of all that I have to offer.

So tonight is the last night I write some random ramblings... tomorrow I give you substance!

Because I did not know what else to write... Random Thoughts

I was not going to write tonight.  I was just going to take the night off and go to bed and work on a piece with some substance for tomorrow.  I tried to lay down and go to sleep.  It did not work.  I was laying here and all I could think about was how I did not write something today and I told myself I would write every day.  So here I am... So... some random thoughts...

1. It is going to drop below 30 degrees here... that might not be cold for the rest of the country, but I live in south Texas... that is cold.  It is the kind of cold that has been the main topic on the news for days and will probably lead to extended news coverage troughout the day tomorrow.  Growing up in Colorado I have felt -30 degree weather... I know cold... but I live in south Texas... were it does not get cold, so when they start talking about hard freezes... I pay attention.

2. The Hubby came home from soccer practice SOAR.  He needed T-Dog to help him get out of the car.  I am so proud that he is doing something new and good for him... he is however figuring out fast that he is not 20 something anymore, that his 30 something body is not what it used to be and does not move like it used to.  I love my middle aged, slightly overweight husband and the effort he is putting forth to do something good for himself. I should use him as motivation.

3. I am saddened by the news of the terrorist attack in Paris France today.  I hate that we live in a world where people are targeted because they share their opinions.  It is a sad, sad fact that you don't know where you are safe anymore.  I hate terrorist, don't they get that they are a bunch of hypocritical fools who attack innocent people for having the same freedom of belief as they do.  I don't understand the radical thinking of terrorist, no matter what God/Leader they follow.

4. I need a life.  Really... all I have been doing lately is eating and watching Netflix.  I need to get out of the house, I need to get more active again... I need a manicure.  I need a friend I can go have coffee with.  I need to join a book club or a crochet club.  My lack of social interaction outside of my home is starting to wear on me.  I miss having friends (they all still live in Colorado).  I need a job outside of my house.  I need a life.

Okay... I think I have gotten my writing for the day out of me and now I can go to bed!!

The Hubby is currently lying in bed with an athletic cup on

This is an Athletic Cup and underwear

The Hubby is currently lying in bed with an athletic cup on... 

Yep, you read that right... Yes folks, this is my marriage!

I find it humorous really. 

The Hubby is taking up playing indoor soccer with a bunch of guys from work, something he has never done before and they have made him the goalie... so he feels he needs an athletic cup... Got to protect the manhood at all costs. I am laying here watching him slapping and knocking on his protective gear.  

I cannot help but giggle... all be it a little annoyed that he is finding a piece of plastic so entertaining... but there is joy in the fact that I am married to a man who has humor.

The Hubby's sense of humor is one of the sexiest things about him.  

His humor brings a level of youth to our marriage that is refreshing and fun and I love it.  

His humor, although very often totally inappropriate is the light in my day some times.  

He always seems to know just when I need to laugh and relax and well... comes to bed with an athletic cup on.

It is easy to love a man who makes me laugh every day, who knows just when a joke will make the world brighter and who can relax and enjoy himself even after a day of work and all the stresses of life.

It is this sense of humor, this joy that radiates from him in the form of jokes and goofy behavior that has made the last 15 years seem like a blip in time and makes me so thankful, so very grateful that he is my partner in this life.

I might be lying in bed next to a man who is absolutely enthralled with his athletic cup... but I am totally okay with that,  because I think he is the most charming and funny man alive.

I Have A Reason for My Resolution

There are actual reasons for why I made one of my New Year’s Resolutions to write something on my Blog every day. 

 I know, can you imagine, actual reasons for a resolution!

Writing is important to me... it is the outlet for the voices that are a constant in my head.  I make myself sound down right nuts... I am not. The voices are not those of a crazy person... just a person with a lot of thoughts, and an abundance of anxiety and maybe even a soul's worth of wisdom.

  

Writing is my way of getting my voices heard... and to maybe, just maybe finally work through emotions and feelings that I have spent a life time trying to avoid.  I don't do feelings, I have even wrote about how much I rather hate feeling things.  It is not healthy to not feel, I know this... I have thousands of dollars’ worth of therapy sessions to show for how much I know about avoidance and emotions.

I have to let out what I feel.  I cannot go through my life any longer refusing to deal with emotions, refusing to deal with feelings and issues that bring up emotions and feelings.  

So if I have to start to feel, then I need to write... writing helps me feel.  So if I need to write to deal with the feelings... what better resolution than to say I am going to post something to my blog every day.  This puts me in a place where I have to find something to write about... and as I write, feelings start to come out and I start to deal with things.  

My often irrational brain is always looking for the rational reason for doing everything that I do.  I have to put a rational thought behind feeling, since I really don't like to feel and don't often do it willingly.  I love to write, I feel free when I write, writing is safe for me, so my irrational brain gets that writing is a safe way for me to let feelings out.

It's not easy to feel for me... I am great at avoiding it.  It is not easy for me to commit to writing every day, I've tried before and failed.  This is truly a challenge for me, to take the time to put thoughts into words that make sense and open myself up to feelings... everyday.  I may fail... I may only last a week, or a month... I don't want to fail though.  

Being a writer is my dream and the only way I can really become a writer is to write and let others read it.  My best source of content is from within, you know all those feelings I try to avoid.  It is time to marry the two and start to achieve this goal to become a writer... all while getting these feelings and emotions I keep bottled up out.

  

See, I totally have a reason for this New Year’s Resolution.

Shhh... I am Hiding

I am hiding from the world right now.  I know, how dare I shut my bedroom door and pretend that I am alone in the world.  In fairness The Hubby is actually hiding with me, but he is asleep so I am not sure how much he actually counts.

It is the second to last day of Winter break and I have had enough of kids and fighting and people to last me until at least Spring Break at this point.

Hiding from the world from time to time is not a bad thing... not to me... it is more of a necessary thing.  I have to do what I can to protect what little sanity I have left. 

It's nothing personal, I still love my kids and my family... I just need to hide, to not be a part of things, to just for a time be in my own space with nothing to do, no one to answer to, no part of the noise that is my house.  It might be unfair of me to hide like this, it might seem as I don't care or don't want to be a part of things.  None of that is true of course.  I think I earn the right to hide from time to time.

Everyone has the right to hide from time to time.  If we cannot turn off, if we cannot step back and just breathe for a time... how does anyone expect for anyone to stay sane.

I am only going to hide for a few more minutes... I never hide for long... just long enough to take a few breaths, find some balance and prepare for whatever the rest of the day will bring me.

Today is a Special Day

Happy Birthday to The Boy

Today is a special day...

Today my baby boy becomes a teenager.

I knew  this day would come, and yet I feel so ill prepared for it.

My Boy, The Boy is a great boy, sweet and kind.  He is loving and tender and full of humor and joy. My life is better because he is in it, my life is fuller because he is in it, and my life is complete because he is in it.

We go forward today, at the start of a new year, taking on this new challenge as parent and teenager. 

I don't know how this journey will go, if it will be swift and kind or long and testing.  I just know that I look forward to the journey, with this boy, who is no longer a child, yet not quit a man. 

I have no idea how to be the mother to a teenage boy, but I had no idea how to be a mother to a boy at all when he arrived 13 years ago, and we have made it this far with no scares, no bruises, only smiles and love.  We will make our way on this path as we always do, together, as best we can, learning and growing. 

Each of my children bring me something different, The Boy, he brings me light and balance.  He reminds me that life is not all pink and fluffy, that girls are not the rulers of the roost alone.  He is the son my husband deserves and the little boy I will love and treasure for all the days of my life.

Today is a special day...

Today my son takes another step toward manhood.

It's a New Year!

Happy 2015! 

I can not say I am sad to see 2014 come to an end.  It was a long and mostly trying year from me. There were more low points then high points and I came through the year scared and pretty defeated.  I am standing though, weary and tested, but ready to take on this new year as a fresh start.  

There are some goals I am setting for this year, important goals, that I am determined to achieve.  

I have real clarity with the start of this new year and I am going to take advantage of that clarity to get things on track, to really hunker down and start achieving the dreams, desires and goals I have had for myself for a long time now. 

I don't know what this year holds for me, but I am going to live each day as the gift it is and own it as best I can.  I hope for better than the year past and pray that this year I find the peace, stability and sanity I seek.